Ing Jokes - page 147

3 generals

During world war 2 a Scottish general, an English general and an Irish general were captured by a German S.S. officer. They were all standing outside a concentration camp when the S.S. agent says, “Before du go in to die concentration camp , I vill give each of you vone hundert lashes , but since you have vought bravely I vill give you one vish each.” He then turns to the Scottish general and asks him, “Vhat is your vish…

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Pork Chops Competition

A woman goes into a meat market and asks the butcher why his pork chops are 99 cents a pound, when the guy across the street is selling his for 89 cents? The butcher says, “Well, then, why don’t you go over there and buy his?” The lady customer says, “Well, he don’t have any. The butcher says, “Well, that’s nothing. When I don’t have ANY, I sell mine for only 79 cents!”

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What a Tip!

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip of three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: “You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.” The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. “Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?” “Well, this penny tells me you’re a thrifty man.”…

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Time Off for Blonde Behavior

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.…

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Dorm Prank

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights–dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door’s edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the…

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Bubba

There was a man named Bubba who knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!” His boss doesn’t believe him, so he says “No, you do not know everyone in the whole world,” but Bubba says “Yes I do!” So Bubba’s boss says “Well prove it!” Then Bubba says, “Pick someone… and I know them!” Well Bubba’s boss thinks for a…

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Trust your Doctor

A man has a glass eye, and every night he takes it out and puts it in a glass of water. One morning, half asleep, he picks up the glass and swallows his glass eye. The eye travels almost through his system, but gets stuck in the last mile. Things are starting to back up. The guy goes to his Dr. and tells the Dr. he has a pain in his lower back. He says nothing about the glass eye.…

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Football fans

Three football fans were driving down the road together, when they spied something laying on the side of the road. Upon investigating, they discovered a dead young woman, who was lying face up, and competely nude. The first football fan removed his Green Bay Packers cap and placed it over her right breast. The second football fan removed his San Francisco 49er cap and placed it over her left breast. The third football fan removed his Dallas Cowboys cap and…

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Surprise! Surprise!

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached around, and squeezed her left…

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