Eve Jokes - page 209

The Bear & the Hunter

A hunter was out one day, crouched down for nearly an hour when he noticed this bear crawl by. So, without hesitation, he fired his shotgun at the bear. A cloud of dirt went up, but there was nothing there. Finally, he felt a tap on his sholder. It was the bear. “What are you doing? You can’t shoot me. Turn around and pull down your pants for some sweet lovin’ or I’m going to rip you to pieces.” The…

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A Full Cup of Coffee

The young clerk’s responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge’s yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut…

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Golden Frog

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn’t often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each. The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog…

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How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men…

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men… He does not have a beer gut… He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet… He is a Conversational Minimalist. He is not stupid… He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. He does not get lost all the time… He discovers Alternative Destinations. He is not balding… He is in Follicle Regression. He is not a cradle robber… He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not get falling-down…

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Doc, I’ve Got Money!

Fred goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.” Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation.” Fred says, “Doc, I’m not in any cult, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $50,000 cash right here. Will you do it?” Doc says, “Well, OK, I guess…

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CEO Defined

Our dinner-table discussion one evening focused on homework assignments, specifically our ten-year-old’s lesson on acronyms. I asked him if he knew what “CEO” stood for. He didn’t, so I explained that it meant “Chief Executive Officer.” “That definitely must be what Dad is,” our son commented. My husband was beaming with pride, but felt the need to be truthful. “No,” he said, “I’m not Chief Executive Officer.” Our son replied, “Oh! I thought Mom said, “CHEAP Executive Officer.”

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14 signs your Kitty wants you dead

14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill. 12. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch. 11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 10. You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed. 09. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 08. Droppings in litter box spell…

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Poor Preacher

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you, Son,” the pastor replied. “But why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

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