Dis Jokes - page 5

Senior Discount

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be $6.00 per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, “the price will be only $5.50.” From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you that information to save 50 cents?

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Discrimination

A teacher in class one day was asking students what they did at recess. First, she called on a little white boy named Timmy and asked him. He replied, “I played in the sand box”. The teacher said, “Good, now if you can spell ‘sand’ I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie”. He did and he received his reward. Next, the teacher called on a litte white girl named Suzy and asked her what she did. She said “I played…

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Moldova Votes ‘Oui’ to EU, Finds Door Still Only Slightly Ajar (and Russia is Still Tapping on the Window)

Moldova Votes ‘Oui’ to EU, Finds Door Still Only Slightly Ajar (and Russia is Still Tapping on the Window) Good news, Moldova! Your citizens have decisively voted for the pro-European party of President Maia Sandu, confirming your unwavering desire to ditch the past and embrace the glorious future of bureaucracy and shared agricultural policies. ? The Action and Solidarity party snagged a whopping 50.03% of the vote, sending a clear message: ‘We want in!’ However, much like trying to get…

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Read JokeMoldova Votes ‘Oui’ to EU, Finds Door Still Only Slightly Ajar (and Russia is Still Tapping on the Window)

Isle of Wight Festival’s Magical Math: Fewer Fans, More Millions!

Isle of Wight Festival’s Magical Math: Fewer Fans, More Millions! ? It seems the organizers have discovered the secret to alchemy, or perhaps just ticket pricing! Despite a noticeable dip in audience numbers, the 2024 festival managed to pull in a whopping £3.4 million in profit. Imagine: fewer queues, more personal space, and yet, the money just kept rolling in! ? A cool £2.6 million of that profit then magically transformed into a dividend for its parent company, which is…

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Before Joining Government, UK Minister’s Aide Declared AI Would ‘Never’ Pay Creatives (Then Hit Delete)

Before Joining Government, UK Minister’s Aide Declared AI Would ‘Never’ Pay Creatives (Then Hit Delete) ? Oh, the internet never forgets! An exclusive report reveals that a future aide to a prominent UK minister, a person named Kirsty Innes, once made a rather bold claim: that AI firms would ‘never’ have to compensate human creatives. And guess what? This definitive declaration was made in a now-deleted post on X, a whole seven months before she took up her prestigious role…

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Dua Lipa ‘Categorically’ Denies Agent Fired for Being Anti-Kneecap (Yes, That’s the Band’s Name)

Dua Lipa ‘Categorically’ Denies Agent Fired for Being Anti-Kneecap (Yes, That’s the Band’s Name). The pop star and her talent agency are scrambling to clarify that reports of her sacking agent, a man named David Levy, are ‘categorically false.’ Apparently, the rumor mill had her giving him the boot because he allegedly signed a letter urging Glastonbury to drop a pro-Palestine Irish rap group called Kneecap from its lineup. ? So, to be clear, no one’s getting kneecapped over Kneecap……

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Malawi Voters Tell Economic Crisis, ‘You’re Fired!’, Opt For 85-Year-Old Political Veteran Instead

Malawi voters, it seems, have had enough of the economic rollercoaster! They’ve decided to tell their current woes, ‘You’re fired!’ and instead, bring back an 85-year-old political veteran for another go. ? Peter Mutharika, a former president and now an octogenarian comeback kid, successfully unseated Lazarus Chakwera. Chakwera’s tenure was, let’s just say, a bit of a mixed bag – if that bag contained a multi-year economic crisis, sky-high inflation, essential goods shortages, a sprinkle of climate disasters, and the…

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Read JokeMalawi Voters Tell Economic Crisis, ‘You’re Fired!’, Opt For 85-Year-Old Political Veteran Instead

Sweden Declares War on Smartphones in Schools, Plans Mass Confiscation by 2026

Sweden is officially declaring war on the pocket-sized digital overlords known as smartphones in schools, with plans for a nationwide mobile phone ban to kick in by autumn 2026. ? Prepare for a technological disarmament! From the next academic year, it will be compulsory for all Swedish schools and even after-school clubs to embark on a grand mission: collecting students’ phones and holding them hostage until the final bell rings. Imagine the scene: a horde of grumpy teenagers begrudgingly surrendering…

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A24: The New ‘Personality Trait’ You *Must* Have on Your Dating Profile

The alternative dating app Feeld has dropped a bombshell revelation: forget shared hobbies or personality traits, your true compatibility test now lies with your film studio preferences! ? It seems the once-boutique studio A24 has officially transcended mere filmmaking to become a ‘worldwide signifier of edgy yet popular entertainment.’ Translation: if you want to appear cool and discerning (but not too discerning), you better have A24 listed right alongside ‘loves long walks on the beach’ and ‘fluent in sarcasm.’ Apparently,…

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Read JokeA24: The New ‘Personality Trait’ You *Must* Have on Your Dating Profile