Ants Jokes - page 38

Whos got the biggest peepee?

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. ?I know,? he said, ?we can play, ?Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee??. ?How do you play that?? asked the redneck. ?It’s easy” said the Spanish boy, ?we can play it next recess.? So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. ?Alright,? said…

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Christmas Joke

At this fancy hotel in Chicago, there was a chess tornament going on. That night, some of the participants had gathered in the lobby to disscus what had gone on that day. After awhile, they had gotten very loud and the manager came out to complain. “Hey, shut up or get out!” he yelled at them. “Well why?” asked one of the chess players. “Because I hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!” he shouted.

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Top 10 signs you’ve joined a cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.” 8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 7. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter. 6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a day.” 5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 4. “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.…

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Johnny’s Tantrum

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by Little Johnny, who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, Little Johnny continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the…

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The Bear & the Hunter

A hunter was out one day, crouched down for nearly an hour when he noticed this bear crawl by. So, without hesitation, he fired his shotgun at the bear. A cloud of dirt went up, but there was nothing there. Finally, he felt a tap on his sholder. It was the bear. “What are you doing? You can’t shoot me. Turn around and pull down your pants for some sweet lovin’ or I’m going to rip you to pieces.” The…

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Golden Frog

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn’t often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each. The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog…

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A Sweed in Chinatown

I was in Chinatown just the other day; walking around trying to find an ATM. Needless to say, I was utterly lost and all those signs around me in foreign languages were of no help. On top of everything, I was hurrying to escape the suffocating, foreign odors emanating from the numerous restaurants and alleys. I turned a corner hoping to catch a breath of fresh air when my eyes sighted a store sign that read “Hans Olafsen Laundry.” How…

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Startling Statistics

The following company has a little over 500 employees with these statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have bankrupted at least two businesses *3 have been arrested for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges *8 have been arrested for shoplifting *21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone, 84 were…

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Vomit on the Shirt

A gentleman spent several hours after work one evening drinking excessively. After gulping down a triple shot of bourbon, he began to feel extremely nauseous. He made a run to the men’s room, but he vomited all over his shirt before he could reach the toilet. “Oh, for the Love of God! My wife is gonna kill me!! I’m not supposed to be out drinking at all and here I am, with alcohol stinking vomit all over my shirt!!” “Not…

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