Wit Jokes - page 166

Lil’ Johnny on Politics

Lil’ Johnny goes up to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the bread winner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Mummy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny– well, consider her as the working class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him the future.…

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Delusions of Grandeur

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a “Lord Nelson.” The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similariy of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men…

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Bob and Fred Go Fishing

Bob and Fred are fishing in the lake when one lands a corked bottle. He pulls the cork, and a genie comes out. “For freeing me from the bottle, I will grant you anything you wish,” says the genie. Bob looks down at the empty cooler in the boat and says, “I wish this lake was filled with beer.” There is the sound of a small poof, and suddenly the entire lake is filled with beer. Bob looks at Fred…

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Going Home Early

A Jew, an Italian, and a Polack all worked together at the same company. All three gentlemen knew each other well and spent much time talking at work. They began noticing that their boss was leaving work early every day. After a while, the three men became irritated that the boss was leaving early while they had to stay a full eight hours. One morning in the break room, they conspired together that if the boss left early again that…

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What did you say?

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong: 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries. 6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants. 8. Who gave you the nerve to…

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Wedding night troubles

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, “Doc, I’m getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I’m a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?” The doctor says, “Medically, no, but here’s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your…

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Wedding Day Revenge

This actually IS true. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it! Only in South Carolina!! Bitter sweet revenge. It’s about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them…

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Getting Some

A man was driving down the highway and he saw a sheep with his head stuck in the fence. So the guy got out of the car and started humping the sheep. Another guy came along and said, “Can I have some of that?” The first guy said, “You’ll have to wait until I’m done.” Then the second guy said, “Do I have to stick my head in the fence, too?”

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