Wall to wall Jokes - page 19

Titanic’s big, but it doesn’t have hyperdrive. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can’t say “Look at the size of that thing!” and really mean it. It would be much scarier to get…

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The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a…

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During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard. “Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?” asked the guard. “To visit my mother, Sir.” “Step inside. You will be searched,” ordered the guard. The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious. This routine was repeated every day for several…

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You receive a $300 bill from your tree surgeon and you live in an apartment. The plumber tells you it would be cheaper to install a diving board than to drain the cellar. You bear a striking resemblance to this week’s prime suspect on America’s Most Wanted. The Dialing for Dollars host quizzes you about the only John Wayne film you haven’t seen. Your heart medication has been replaced with sugar pills and a note that says “April fools!” You…

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Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to get help, yelling, “MOM! DAD! COME QUICK! THERE’S A FRANC IN STEIN!”

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Share your knowledge of these “world records” with your friends, relatives and associates during dinner: MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July, 1991. LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina. MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. (This isn’t all…

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Some very important questions to ask yourselves. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called “Poles”, why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes”? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig…

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1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat.…

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A nerdy guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a couple of drinks. As the bartender is handing him a beer, the guy starts poking at this hand with one finger, and then holds his hand up to his ear and starts talking to it. The bartender is quite bewildered by this, so he says, “What are you doing?” “Well,” says the nerdy guy,” I am a CEO for a top telecommunications company. I have a digital…

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