Urn Jokes - page 71

The Vet Trip

One day a man was at home with his dog when the dog fell over as if he had passed out. The man took his dog to the vet and asked the vet what was wrong with his dog. The vet answered, “Your dog is dead sir.” The man insisted that the vet was wrong and demanded a second opinion, so the vet brought in a cat. The cat walked around the dog and let out a loud meow. The…

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TONS of Blonde Jokes

1: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block! 2: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in? “Have another beer.” 3: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine? “Daddy! I want to go to Miami 4: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street. They spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it? Nobody. The first four don’t exist and the…

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Dr. Son-In-Law

One evening a man was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. As he threw one in the air, his wife asked him a question. When the man turned his head, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried to get it out, but his fingers were too big. His wife tried to get the peanut out with a pair of tweezers, but just pushed it in farther. They finally decided to go…

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Mom in a Huff

Sunday dinner with my mother, Adah, my father, Fred, and my three siblings was always a lively event. On one occasion, all of us, except my mother, were in a silly mood, and we began requesting, in rhyme, items at the table. “Please pass the meat, Pete.” “May I have a potatah, Adah.” “I’d give you the moon for a spoon.” After several minutes of this, my mother had heard enough. “Stop this nonsense right now! Let’s have some meaningful…

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Their Last Requests

Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, “Son, do you have any last request?” “Yes sir, I do,” replied the condemned man. “I love dance…

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Let’s run!!

One day a seven year old boy was trying to press an intercom button but he could reach for it. So he kept on jumping trying to reach for the button but still he couldn’t do it. As he was busy jumping up and down, along came a seventy year old man who immediately noticed the young man’s problem and he offered to press the button, since the boy couldn’t reach it. As soon as he pressed the button the…

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Soap Opera Addict

Hello! Sorry, I can’t come take your call right now. ALL MY CHILDREN are YOUNG AND RESTLESS, so I have to SEARCH FOR TOMORROW and today to find them. I am praying that the GUIDING LIGHT will remind them that the DAYS OF OUR LIVES are growing short. They will wind up in GENERAL HOSPITAL with only ONE LIFE TO LIVE, even if I do think they are BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL, if they’re not careful. And if they don’t straighten…

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two moose hunters

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals – you’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.” “That’s baloney,” says one of the…

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Got an Eraser?

One morning, a gentleman boarded a plane headed for Rome. Within several minutes of finding his seat, a rumor began to circulate about the plane that the Pope would be on this very flight. Being Catholic, and therefore a rather large fan of the Holy Father, he of course hoped that the Pope’s seat would be in close proximity to his so that they might be able to converse on their way to the Holy City of Rome. No sooner…

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New Cabinets

Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful, new cabinets had been installed. A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit. After admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, “All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined…

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