Urn Jokes - page 22

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he’s ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks, “Ess-tues me ser?” “Yes sir,” replied the clerk. “Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?” “Pistachio’s? They’re six dollars a pound.” “SSit!” The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks, “Welp, how mutsh…

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A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks “What’s up?” The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. “ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” the man replies. “TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight…

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The parents of a newborn son were devastated to learn that their baby was born with a golden screw in his navel. Surgeons had never seen this before, and fearing it would harm the boy, refused to operate. The parents were very religious and accepted the birth defect as God’s will. The mother never gave up faith, and as her son grew up she prayed daily for God to cure him. The boy was very shy, always hiding his golden-screw…

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One night a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she had heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye. “Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked. “No,” he replied. “I stepped on the…

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A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so. He said, a bit sheepishly, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this…

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In the early days of his career, author Erle Stanley Gardner, creator of the famous Perry Mason mysteries, churned out stories for pulp magazines at the rate of 200,000 words a month. As he was paid by the word, the length of the story was more important than its quality, and he tended to draw the maximum potential from every incident. His villains, for example, were always killed by the last bullet in the gun. Gardner’s editor once asked him…

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