Uck Jokes - page 80

A Trip for Benjy

As Benjy and his parents drove down the final stretch of highway towards their brand-new home in St. Louis, Missouri, Benjy’s eyes were wide with fascination at all the skyscrapers and traffic. It was much different from what they had left behind in Paducah, Kentucky. “What do you think of THAT, Benjy?” said his Pa, pointing out the famous Arch to him. Benjy exclaimed, “WOW! And to think that it is only HALF finished!” “WHAT is ‘half finished’?” said his…

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Little Johnny’s New Word

Little Johnny came home from school one day and told his mother that he learned a new word. “It starts with an ‘F’ and ends with a ‘K’!” he told her. His mother thought for a moment and smacked him. Little Johnny sobbed, “Mommy, what’s wrong with ‘firetruck’?!”

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THREE LITTLE PIGS

Once there were three little pigs in a bar. They all order beers and suck them down but only two go to the bathroom to pee. The two little pigs return and all three order another beer. They suck those down and the same two go to the bathroom. The waiter asks the pig still sitting at the table why he never goes to the bathroom. The pig replies, “I’m the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the…

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Cop does Community Service

A policeman was driving around in his patrol car. After he pulled off an expressway, he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, and he noticed someone at a KFC fast food place getting into his car. They guy had placed a bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car. So the policeman decided to pull him over and perform a community service…

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Holding Hands

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how much in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service. One day after church, the pastor couldn’t resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, “I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even after all these years, holding hands the way you do.” The wife looked up sharply and said, “It’s not…

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10 ways to know if your kid is too old for your milk

These are 10 different ways of knowing that your kid is too old for breast freeding. 10. He can open the blouse himself. 9. While sucking one breast he caresses the other one. 8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. 7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. 6. He uses the milk as a creamer for his coffee. 5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. 4. After each feeding he has…

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Worst Ever First (and Last) Date

This was on The Tonight Show September 7, 1999 Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The following won. She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was just a day trip. They had never been out together before. The day went OK until they were coming back that afternoon. They were driving home and she suddenly had to pee urgently, but still…

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Rooney on Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I sometimes live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they…

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Great Promotion

O’Brien meets the usual crowd of guys at Flanigan’s, the local pub. “Listen,” he says, “I just heard that new bar, ‘Shenanigans’ has a great deal for new customers… For five bucks, they give you a pitcher of beer and then they take in back and get you laid.” “Sounds like bullshit,” says one of the guys. “Who told you about this deal?” “My sister.”

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