Time one Jokes - page 50

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home. EXERCISE #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of…

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash…

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Dave is struggling through the Dallas airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a man stops him and says “Pardon me, do you have the time?” Dave sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to three”, he says. “Thanks, that’s a pretty fancy watch”, says the man. Dave smiles. “Yes, I invented it. Check this out.”, and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone on…

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The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times! ——————- Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are…

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A man phones the office and explains to his boss that he can’t come in to work today because he’s sick. The boss replies, “This is the ninth time this month. Exactly how sick are you?” The man says, “Well, I am in bed with my 12 year old sister!”

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A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. “Don’t worry, lady ,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.” Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will…

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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me, sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from…

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There was once a little boy who worked for a farmer as a field hand. One night the farmer told the little boy to wake bright and early to fetch some milk for his family’s breakfast. Early the next morning the boy head out to the field to milk the cows before the farmer awoke. Time went by and time went by, it was getting very close to noon, when the little boy finally walked in with his bucket. The…

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A little blue smurf walked into a bar and hit his hand on the bar. The bartender then put a beer in front of the smurf and carried on making drinks for the others at the bar. A biker noticed but didn’t say anything. About five minutes later, the smurf jumped on the bar and took a swig of his beer. The biker laughed, and the smurf stared at him. The little blue creature then ran down the bar, stuck…

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