Time don Jokes - page 13

Border Patrol

One day at the Mexican-American border there was a Middle-aged Latino pushing a wheelbarrow across the country line when a border patrol officer stoped him. “Stop!!! BorderPatrol!!!” Said the officer. “What is it?” asked the weary mexican. “What ya got there padre?” spoke the officer. “Notting.” “Nothin’, huh?” said the man in the uniform. “Let me see.” “Iss’ jost’ sand” “Yeah, right.” The officer looked….Nothing, just sand. So this goes on and on for days and days,months and months. Then,…

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Too Much Coffee

You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When… You ski uphill. You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. You lick your coffee pot clean. You spend your vacations visiting “Maxwell House”. Your eyes…

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Thoughts from Mom

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Everyone has a photographic memory; some don’t have film. The universe is a figment of its own imagination. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can’t. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard…

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Some more of my deep thoughts

Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good, because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and…

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Chinese Jews

Rabbi Cohen and Rabbi Goldstein were having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner while they were having dessert, Rabbi Cohen wondered aloud, “I’ve been thinking this while we’re having dinner and I can’t get it off my mind.” “Well, what’s on your mind?” asked Rabbi Goldstein. “Well, I’ve been thinking if there are any Jews living in China these days,” said Rabbi Cohen. “Why don’t you ask the waiter over there?” asked Rabbi Goldstein as he waved for the…

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Nellie & Venus

There was this guy that had car trouble one night while driving in the country. So he went up to this farmer’s house and asked the farmer if he could use the phone to call a tow truck. The farmer said “Ok.” The man called then hung up the phone and said, “The tow truck won’t get here ’till tomorrow because of all this rain, so could I spend the night here?” The farmer said “Ok, as long as you…

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Youve got mail

A blonde walks outside opens her mailbox, slams it shut, and storms back inside mad. The guy next door can’t figure out what that was all about. Five minutes later she does the same thing and the guy still can’t get it so he goes outside to wait for a third time. Three minutes later she does it again and the guy asks her, “Why do you keep running out here opening your mailbox and then storm back in?” The…

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Woo Woo Woo!

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking in the desert together, when suddenly one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. Then, he hollered into the cave, “Woo! Woo! Woo! A moment later, the Indian heard a response, “Woo! Woo! Woo!” so he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The puzzled Polish fellow asked the other Indian what that was all about, and the Indian replied,…

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Advice to Northerners..ya’ll

“This is to hep yu’all who don’t have the plesur of livin in the sunny South, which is sometimes covered in ice! Those who do, will wunder why these wus ever wrote down in the furst place.” Sayings in the South: “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.” “Have a cup of coffee, it’s already ‘saucered and blowed.” “It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.” “My…

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The Recovered Sofa

Maybe you can assist me with a problem which I’m having with a friend. She owns a used furniture store, and a few weeks ago the store was burglarized. The only thing taken was a big, beautiful, high-back fabric sofa, valued at over $1,000. My friend was devastated, as it was the finest used item in the entire store. Police speculate that it was the only item stolen, simply because the thieves were not able to carry anything else out…

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