Th th Jokes - page 620

Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill. Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running. When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.” Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons. Instead of the “Welcome”…

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Only in Florida

I have had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, prostate cancer, and diabetes, I am half blind and can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia, poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But…Thank God I still have my DRIVER’S LICENSE!!!

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UGLY BABY

A woman was boarding the bus one day and as she was getting her fare the driver exclaims, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman slams her money in the farebox and angrily stomps to her seat. The guy she sits next to asks, “What’s wrong?” The woman says, “The bus driver just insulted me!” “What?!” He’s supposed to be a public servant, and he’s insulting people?” “Yeah, and I should go up there and cuss him out!”…

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Driving Test

A blonde goes to take her driving test…she has studied very hard for this test. When she comes home from taking the test, her friend asked her how she did. The blonde answered, “Well, the officer said I did very well, but I still don’t understand why he gave me an “F” on gender…”

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Blind Date

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate. “Terrible!” answered the roommate. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.” “Wow! That’s a very expensive car! What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner.”

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Perspective

Elizabeth Taylor’s fabulous diamond ring drew the attention of Princess Margaret, who remarked, “That’s a bit vulgar.” Miss Taylor persuaded the princess to try on the ring. “There, it’s not so vulgar now, is it?” she said.

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