Th th Jokes - page 587

B for Band Class

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise. “Is it a bee?” another student asked. “Nope,” Tommy replied. “Bee flat.”

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Worst Ever First (and Last) Date

This was on The Tonight Show September 7, 1999 Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The following won. She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was just a day trip. They had never been out together before. The day went OK until they were coming back that afternoon. They were driving home and she suddenly had to pee urgently, but still…

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Air fares

Four major airlines have announced that they’re going to raise summer air-fares another four percent… That’s to help pay for more of those tiny pretzels. Which, by the way, can also be used as flotation devices.

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American Idioms

True Story: I went to lunch at an Olive Garden restaurant with a group of co-workers one day. One of the guys who went with us, Ilya, is a Russian immigrant who is still working on his English skills. I had been encouraging him to use more American idiomatic expressions and slang. The waitress at the restaurant seemed very nervous. When she brought out the drinks she spilled them all over the table. Of course everyone broke out laughing. Except…

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Suppository Prescription

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor examines him and gives him a prescription for suppositories. “Take two of these a day and come back in two weeks”, said the doc. After two weeks, the guy returns and the doctor says, “Well, how did that medicine I prescribed work for you?” The guy says, “Doctor, for all the good those damned things did me, I coulda shoved ’em up my butt!”

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Annual Checkup

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. “I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says. “What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo. “I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”

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Rooney on Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I sometimes live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they…

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lets get drunk

Three men were in a bar getting drunk,an Italian,a German and an Irishman Well the bartender told them that if they bought 6 beers they’d get 2 beers free The Italian jumps up and says thats ridiculous back home at Vinnie’s bar you buy 4 beers and he’ll give you 2 free beers! The German stand up and shouts “thats crazy, back home at Wilhelm’s if you buy 2 beers you get 6 beers for free!” Well the Irishman jumps…

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