Th th th Jokes - page 396

Phone-In Polls

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always about 18% that say, “I don’t know.” It costs 90 cents to call up and vote…They’re voting, “I don’t know.” Example: “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.” Then he makes his call and says, “I DON’T KNOW!” then hangs up, looking proud because he voiced his non-opinion. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls at…

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Professional job descriptions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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yo mama

yo mama so fat, she fell in love and broke it. yo mama so fat she fell into the sea and the whales sang, “We are family…” yo mama so stupid she spent 20 min. staring at an orange juice carton cause it said, “Concentrate.” yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor looked at her head and butt and said, “Twins!”

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Samarai Smack Down

Japan is having its “once in a millennium” Samurai contest. After several years of pretrials, three of the greatest samurais are meeting in Tokyo. In a large arena, the first samurai stood in the middle of a 20-foot square. He is from Nagasaki. One of the judges opened up a small box and let a little fly out of it. Within an instant “SWOOSH” a gleaming sword pierced through the air and the fly was cut in half. There was…

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Definitely

A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?” First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.” Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray or orange, or……” Second a little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.” “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.” Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: “Does a fart have lumps?” The Teacher looks horrified and…

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Stranded

A man was on an airplane, watching the movie, and hated it. So he walked out on it. After plunging to the sea, he swam to a deserted island. He lived there for 10 years, with no human contact, no companionship. One day, he was looking out at the lagoon, and saw someone in SCUBA gear swim out of it. The man could see is was a strikingly beautiful woman. She looked at him, licked her pouty lips, and asked,…

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