Th th th Jokes - page 28

The Secret to Bigger Breasts

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every…

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Good advice for those that are married/engaged/whipped…

*************************************** IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp Winter’s afternoon, and you’re exactly where you should be: stretched out on the sofa in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your wife enters the room and says, “What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Is this a trick question? Yes, it is. The…

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Read JokeGood advice for those that are married/engaged/whipped…

The Contractor

A contractor was working on a house and a little boy was watching him when he dropped his hammer. He asked the boy to hand it back to him and the boy said, “My dad has two hammers and when he drops one he uses the other.” Well, he never said anything to the boy and went back to work. A few minutes later he dropped his screwdriver and asked the boy to hand it back to him and the…

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50th Wedding Anniversary

There was this old couple getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man went out shopping to find a really nice present for his wife. When he returned home, he found his wife standing on her head naked. For the life of him, he could not figure out what in the hell she was doing , so he asked,”Honey…what in God’s name are you doing naked ,standing on your head??” “Well dear,” she replied, “it is our…

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Signs That You are Too Drunk

Signs That You are Too Drunk You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Career won’t progress beyong Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case- coincidence?…

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The Golden Screw

The parents of a newborn son were devastated to learn that their baby was born with a golden screw in his navel. Surgeons had never seen this before, and fearing it would harm the boy, refused to operate. The parents were very religious and accepted the birth defect as God’s will. The mother never gave up faith, and as her son grew up she prayed daily for God to cure him. The boy was very shy, always hiding his golden-screw…

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The Grumpmeyer Diamond

The statuesque blonde walked into a dinner party on the arm of a scowling tycoon. She took her seat at the dinner table while her escort conversed with other guests. A woman sitting nearby couldn’t help staring at the huge gem hanging from her neck. “Excuse me,” the woman said, “but I must tell you… that is the most gorgeous diamond I’ve ever seen.” “Why, thank you. It’s the Grumpmeyer Diamond.” “I’m surprised I’ve never heard of it”, the woman…

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Now That’s a Bad Sign

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so. He said, a bit sheepishly, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this…

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The Signalman

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him. “What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?” “I would switch the points for one of the trains,” Andy replies. “What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector. “Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Andy, “and I’d…

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