Th th th Jokes - page 119

Horoscopes for Southerners

It has become pretty obvious to me that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I’m out driving around I’ll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I’ll even see a ram. Up the street from me there’s some twins, but I don’t see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions, or scorpions,…

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Read JokeHoroscopes for Southerners

It was the Night Before Christmas (60’s style)

?Twas the Night Before Christmas 60’s style ?Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Things were real mellow Even Irving the mouse Our boots were hung up The incense was lit In the hopes that St. Nick Would soon do his bit The tree was decked out It was really a sight With love beads and flowers And a flashing strobe light Wearing my T-shirt From the Woodstock Nation I was getting into Some good meditation And…

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Read JokeIt was the Night Before Christmas (60’s style)

The Broken Cuckoo Clock

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with “the boys.” He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, assuring her, “I’ll be home by midnight, I promise!” Well, the darts were landing just right and the beer was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as can be, the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly,…

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Read JokeThe Broken Cuckoo Clock

Father of Twins

Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her, and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue one. The father took one step forward, just so he could touch the babies and believe that they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them, the nurse…

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The Wrestling Match

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in…

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Read JokeThe Wrestling Match

Barbender, Another Martoutsy!

A very inebriated lady walks into a bar shortly before closing time, sits at the bar and orders, “Barbender, Barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.” The bartender brings her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. “Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy.” Again, the bartender brings her a Martini. By this time, the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She calls, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.” Patiently, the bartender comes near her and…

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Read JokeBarbender, Another Martoutsy!

You Can’t Do That

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.” Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening…

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Dinner for THREE?

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her…

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Read JokeDinner for THREE?

The Preacher’s Wife

One day, the pastor’s wife was going shopping, so he told her not to spend to much money. When she got to the store,she saw this beautiful dress that was $600! But she just had to have this dress, so she bought it anyway. When she got home,her husband said, “I thought I told you not to spend too much!” She said,”You did, but when I tried it on, satin said that it looked gorgeous on me.” Then the husband…

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Read JokeThe Preacher’s Wife