Ted Jokes - page 55

10. “I hold this truth to be self-evident — you’re a babe.” 9. “I’ve just gone through a terrible break-up with Betsy Ross and I don’t think I should be alone tonight.” 8. “Some people call me the ‘Fondling Father’.” 7. “You know what they say about men with big signatures.” 6. “My teeth aren’t the only thing made of wood.” 5. “If somebody ever invents the telephone, can I give you a call?” 4. “All men are not created…

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A fellow was joined at the bar by a beautiful woman who soon approached the man with an offer. “I’ll make your dreams come true,” she whispered, “for a hundred and fifty dollars.” “That’s a lot of money,” the guy pointed out, admiring her voluptuous body. “I’m worth it,” she assured him breathily. “For a hundred and fifty dollars, I’ll act out any fantasy. In fact, I can make any three words come true. Just dream them up, baby.” Any…

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A down-hearted man in a greasy spoon diner asks the waitress for a meatloaf dinner and some kind words. She brings the meatloaf, but doesn’t say a thing. “Hey,” he says, “what about the kind words?’ She replies, “Don’t eat the meatloaf.”

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One day a lady stopped at a gas station for gas. A few minutes later a spaceship landed and out came an alien and he started to pump fuel. The lady noticed the letters U.F.O. on the spaceship and asked the alien if U.F.O. stands for Unidentified Flying Object? The alien said no, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only.

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Two drunks wander into a zoo after midnight, and end up standing in front of the Lion cage. The Lion, who was asleep, hears them approach his cage and wakes up, of course. Not wishing to be stared at, he leashes out a couple of mighty roars. One drunk starts to wander off, but the other drunk grabs his arm and says, “Whaddaya leaving for, Herbie? The picture’s just started!”

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About eight years ago there was a kid named bort. He had no friends and wasn’t very smart. His teacher, along with the principal knew how dumb he really was. Instead of giving him a lot of homework like the rest of the kids, his teacher told him to go home and think of three words to tell his teacher the next day. He went home and watched T.V when he was watching T.V he decided to start his home…

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One night out on the back yard fence, 3 tom cats happen to meet, and start bragging about which one is the toughest. The first cat says, “Hey boys, I’ve caught up to 100 mice in a single night… I’m the best mouser around!” The second cat says,” That’s nothing, I can eat 10 boxes of catnip and it doesn’t even give me a buzz!!” The third cat just turns around and starts walking back down the fence..The other 2…

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A cowboy was riding his horse accross his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled “Don’t bite me!” The snake said “NO, I’m a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?” The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said “A million dollars in the bank.” The snake said, “Granted, next.” Again the cowboy thought. Then said “The most beautiful…

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