Ted Jokes - page 42

Hillbilly Cop

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he’s wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff’s desk and says to the sheriff,”I’m hear to be a deputy.” The sheriff laughs and says, “Well lets see if you’re qualified, son.” The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer. The sheriff says, “Close enough.” The sheriff then asks him,…

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Charm School

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.” The second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.” The first woman continued “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.” Again, the comment, “Well, isn’t that nice.” The first boasted, “Then, when my…

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A Wife and a Mistress

Feeling a bit paranoid, a rich businessman decided to test the fidelity of his wife and his mistress by putting them both on the same cruise ship vacation in the Caribbean. He booked two adjacent rooms for the two women and then begged off from accompanying them because of business concerns. Once the cruise trip ended, he would question his wife and his mistress separately on each other’s behavior during the cruise without letting on about their relationship with him.…

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Politically Correct Female Terminology

She is not: An airhead She is: Reality Impaired She is not: A Bleached Blonde She is: Peroxide Dependent She is not: A babe or chick She is: A Breasted American She does not have: Major league hooters She is: Pectorally Superior She does not have: A Great Tan She is: Pigmentally Enhanced You do not want to: Score or pick her up You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter She is not: A perfect 10 She is: Numerically Superior…

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Similarities between Clinton and Nixon

Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed Nixon: His biggest fear – the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear – a Cold Sore Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burning Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her Nixon: Couldn’t explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn’t explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case Nixon: His nickname Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference Nixon: Ex-President…

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Search for a Life Partner

When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure. In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion. So, I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time. So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She…

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Daddy, where did I come from?

“Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” her father asked. “Not really,” the little girl said. “Judy said she came from Detroit. I want…

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Useful Work Phrases

How about never? Is never good for you? I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I like you. You remind me of when I was…

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A Paranoid Pole

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?” “No,” replied the nervous immigrant. “Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?” “No.” “Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill…

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Settle out of Court

Two straight guys were playing a round of golf when they noticed two gays ahead of them. They decided to have a little fun so they started to aim their shots near where they were playing. After a couple of balls landed a little too close for comfort the gays decided that the next time a ball lands close to one of them, one of them would fall down and make they were hurt and then they would sue the…

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