T was the night Jokes - page 27

I the undersigned……

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that… Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat…

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Convent Fire

There was a fire one night at a convent, and several retired nuns who lived on the fourth floor were trapped up there. They were praying for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed, “We need to take off our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety.” Later, as they were recounting their narrow escape to reporters, they were asked if they had been afraid that the crude…

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Hell’s not so bad

A young man died somewhat before his time in a motor accident, and found himself in Hell. He sat in a hot ante-room surrounded by swirling sulphurous gases as he gloomily awaited his fate. He’d heard all the jokes. “OK lads, tea break’s over, back on your heads.” Being forced to listen to a continuous Barry Manilow tape. The electrodes on the goolies. It made him shiver. Finally Satan arrived, detected the young chap’s demeanour and said, “Hey, why so…

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Horny on the Pipeline 2

A man is in Alaska working on a pipeline. After time goes by, he gets horny and asks his boss what they can do for “fun”. The boss says that since the entire camp of workers consists of only men, and there isn’t a woman around for hundred of miles, that there is a tree out in the woods with a hole in it. When the boys get horny they go and have sex with the tree. The man thought…

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On the Job

Medical Student I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat…

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Get Down and Pray

Four men were enlisted into the military in World War 2. Three were very religious men, and the other was a lawyer who didn’t want to die. On the night before a large battle, the lawyer went to the others and said,”When the first shot flies, get down on your knees in prayer, and the lord will protect thee throughout the day.” The others thought it was a good idea, and would be an excellent test of their faith. The…

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Don’t stop!

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American are heading off to war when the Frenchman bragged that he made love to his wife 3 times last night to say goodbye. “Yeah, well I made love to my wife 6 times last night to say goodbye to her,” the Italian boasted. “What about you, Mr. American?” asked the Frenchman. “I only made love to my wife once last night.” “Is that all? What did she say this morning ?” “Don’t stop!”

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Smart 3-year-old

One morning a young 3 year old boy sat at the kitchen table in front of a bowl of cereal, thinking. When his mother noticed his thoughtful expression she thought it better not to disturb him. Later that afternoon the boy was still sitting there with a very concentrated expression. His mother was then curious but then decided just to leave him there. That night at dinner, he was still sitting at the table, chin in hand, with great thought…

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More things men will NEVER say…..

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. 2. No I don’t want another beer. I have to work tomorrow. 3. Her tits are just too big. 4. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on “20/20” gives me a woody. 6. Sure! I’d LOVE to wear a condom. 7. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse. 8. Screw Monday Night Football; let’s watch “Ally McBeal”.…

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