Ss Jokes - page 7

Magic Glasses

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,”Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?” “Yes, of course,” said the doctor, “Why not!” “Oh! How nice it would be,” said the patient with joy, “I have been illiterate for so long.”

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Business is Business

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.” She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of…

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A Professional Consultation

An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in animated conversation with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely glare. Clearing his throat, the doctor said, “Ah, my dear, that young lady over there and…

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Bathroom Lessons

Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers: 1. Open your fly. 2. Take out your equipment. 3. Pull back the skin. 4. Do your business. 5. Let the skin forward. 6. Stow your equipment. 7. Close your fly. She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.

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asscons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where 🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by 🙂 and 🙁 respectively. Well, how about some “asscons”? (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that’s been around (_O_) an ass that’s been around even more…

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Easter Dress

At the beginning of the children’s sermon, one little girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the little girl, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?” The girl replies almost directly into the pastor’s clip-on mike, “Yes…and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

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