Ss Jokes - page 5

A Ghostly Mess

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the…

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A Lesson In Art Appreciation

A down-on-his-luck artist visits the art gallery where all of his paintings are on display. He sees the art dealer standing in front of the art gallery and accosts the latter, “So how did my paintings do today?” The art dealer smiles and says, “Well, I got good news and bad news.” “Well, give me the good news first. I haven’t had such luck these days,” sighs the struggling artist. “This morning, a gentleman walks in and asks me if…

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Clueless Tourist

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, “Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?” “The glaciers brought them down,” said the guide. “But where are the glaciers now?” asked the lady. “The glaciers,” said the guide in a weary voice, “have gone back for more rocks.” “Oh,” said the lady.

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Sheer Madness

At Frederick’s of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. “This is $200,” says the saleswoman, showing him an item. “I want one that’s more sheer,” says he. “This one is $350.” “Sheerer than that.” “This is the sheerest we have. It’s $500.” “I’ll take it!” he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”…

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Assorted Hodgepodge

Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not! Last words spoken at the Last Supper: “Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.” Why are there so many Smiths and Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic?” Did you know that half of…

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Golf lesson

This newlywed couple decided to take golfing lessons. So the husband went to the golf trainer and he hit the ball. It went about 50 yards, not very balanced and not a good hit. So the trainer said, “Hold the golf club like you would your wife’s breasts.” So he did and it was a perfect hit, hole in 1. When the wife went to the trainer, she did the same thing, not a very good hit, about 40 yards.…

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confession special

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn`t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he`d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few…

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