Ss Jokes - page 53

What Would I Be?

A Sunday School teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. “All right, children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?” Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”

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The Used Harley

There’s this guy who is in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So, he’s shopping around, answering ads in thenewspaper, not having much luck. One day, he comes across a bike for sale in a yard. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition and inquires about it with the owner. “This bike is beautiful!” He says. “I’ll take it! But how did you keep it in such great shape?”…

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Rejected Childrens Titles

Titles of Children’s Books you probably WON’T see! 1.Some Kittens Can Fly 2.That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption 3.Grandpa Gets a Casket 4.The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 5.Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 6.The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking 7.Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8.Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9.All Cats Go to Hell 10.The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11.The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 12.Your Nightmares Are Real 13.Where Would You…

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blond inventions

Inventions by Blondes ? The water-proof towel ? Glow in the dark sunglasses ? Solar powered flashlights ? Submarine screen doors ? A book on how to read ? Inflatable dart boards ? A dictionary index ? Mechanical Pencil sharpeners ? Powdered water ? Pedal-powered wheel chairs ? Waterproof tea bags ? Watermelon seed sorter ? Zero proof alcohol ? Reuseable ice cubes ? See-through toilet tissue ? Skinless bananas ? Do-it-yourself road map ? Turnip ice cream ? Toe…

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The Pope & The President

The Pope and President Clinton just happened to die on the same day. Now obviously the Pope was to go to heaven and Clinton was supposed to go to hell. Somehow this gets crossed up. God and Satan realized their error and Satan sent the Pope up and God sent Clinton down. They just happened to meet in the middle, so they stopped to chit-chat for a minute. Clinton asked the pope,”What had you hoped to do when you got…

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“God damn it!”

Once there was a man who went to play golf with his priest. He was on the third hole and only 3 feet away from the hole. He putted his shot and missed. “God Damn it!” the man yelled. The priest replied that it was a sin to say God’s name in vain. The man saw that his priest was correct and apologized. Later he was on the 15th hole and only 2 feet away, when he missed the shot…

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Kennedy Helps Clinton

Ted Kennedy approached President Clinton after hearing his address to the nation and said, “Mr. President, I just want you to know that if there’s anything I can do to help, anything at all, just ask.” Clinton replied, “Could you drive Monica home?”

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Children’s books you’ll NEVER see…

“You Are Different and That’s Bad” “Dad’s New Wife Timothy” “Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games” “Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets” “Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence” “The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables” “Start a Real Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse” “The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy” “Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will” “The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead” “How to Become The Dominant…

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A dog’s life

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember…. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. I will…

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Apology Almost Accepted

A passenger on a train visited the dining car and ordered a bowl of soup. When delivered, it had a fly in it. The outraged passenger wrote to the president of the railroad, expressing his dismay and vowing never again to ride that railroad. In a few days, he received a letter from the president, apologizing profusely, vowing that this was an unprecedented occurrence and explaining the steps that had been taken to insure it never happened again. The passenger…

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