Ss Jokes - page 315

He Should’ve Become a Doctor

U.S. journalist and politician Horace Greeley was renowned for his illegible handwriting. He once wrote a note to a member of his staff on the New York Tribune, dismissing him for gross negligence of duty. Meeting Greeley several years later, the journalist told his former chief how useful his note of dismissal had proved. “I took it with me,” he said. “Nobody could read it, so I declared it a letter of recommendation, gave it my own interpretation, and obtained…

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The Shoes

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, “But, sir, I can see from up here you’re at least a size 11.” The guy says, “Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe.” The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. He says to the salesman, “I lost my business and my house, I…

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Little Johnny gotta pee

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a pee!!” The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re…

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Dwarf

A man sees a dwarf drowning in the sea. The man is feeling sorry for the little guy and decides to help him. When the man rescued the dwarf, the little dwarf is glad and offers the man a wish. “I want a bridge from France to America, so I can walk to Europe and back” The dwarf laughs. “Sorry, I’m no God. Think of something less difficult. The man thinks and then says: “I would like a smart blonde…

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What is Adoption?

These first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color from the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted, and a little girl said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.” “What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child. “It means,” said the little girl, “that I grew in my mommy’s heart instead of in her tummy.”

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‘No Work’ Excuses for Mondays

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. If it…

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Why it’s Great To Be A Guy

Why It’s GREAT To Be A Guy Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. You…

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Yugo vs Rolls Royce

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.” The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve…

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Patch

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said “Looky thar up ahead Earl, it’s a po-leese roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!” “Don’t worry Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.” “What fer?” asked Bubba. “Just let me do the talkin’, okay?” said…

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