Ss Jokes - page 316

Barbie And Ken’s Letters To Santa

Barbie’s Letter To Santa: Dear Santa: Listen, you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you…

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Taxi Colors

Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “what’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?” “Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

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Discrimination

A teacher in class one day was asking students what they did at recess. First, she called on a little white boy named Timmy and asked him. He replied, “I played in the sand box”. The teacher said, “Good, now if you can spell ‘sand’ I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie”. He did and he received his reward. Next, the teacher called on a litte white girl named Suzy and asked her what she did. She said “I played…

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The LAST one!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?” “Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.” “What sort of question?” “Well, you might ask him,…

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Kill, but Don’t Rob Me!

Hershel Ostropolier (a Jewish wit of the 17th century) is walking home one Friday afternoon, taking a shortcut through the forest. A bandit, brandishing a pistol, jumps out and says, “Give me your money or I’ll shoot you dead!” Hershel pleads with the man, “My wife will never believe that I’ve been robbed. She’ll think I just spent the money in a tavern. She’ll kill me if you don’t!” The robber replies, “That’s no difference to me. Give me your…

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Casino

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m bottomless.” With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES!…

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ELIZABETH TAYLOR

Elizabeth Taylor walks into her plastic surgeons office one day and says to him, ?Over the years I have had my boobs done, my butt done and my face done. Now I would like to have down below done.? So her doctor says, ?sure, that?s no problem.? Elizabeth replies ? but there?s just one thing…I ask of you and that is to keep this a secret from everyone. I am tired of the press and the public knowing about every…

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Blonde Bank Robbers

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde in great detail. The robbery begins. The first blonde drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other blonde, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you…

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I’m Fine, Thank You! (poem)

There is nothing the matter with me. I’m as healthy as I can be. I have arthritis in both of my knees And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin. But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in. Arch supports I have for my feet Or I wouldn’t be able to be on the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning, I find I’m all…

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On Again, Off Again

A man from Arkansas and a man from New York bought a business together in Little Rock. The guy from Arkansas had an apartment across the street from the store, but the guy from NY lived out of town. The fellows had bought a new flashing neon sign, which they turned off each night at midnight when they closed their business, in order to save money. One morning around 1 a.m., the NY fellow called his partner from Arkansas and…

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