Ss Jokes - page 218

DILBERT Quotes Contest Entries

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life managers. Here are the Top 12 finalists: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of…

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Glesga Wars

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF STAR WARS WAS SET IN GLASGOW? Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he’d only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He’d have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top. Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as Wanky-Nobby.…

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Another Black Eye

One day Jon came home from bible school. And his father took one look at him and saw he had a black eye! “Jon, what on earth happened?” his father said. “Well Dad,” Jon started, “we were all in the sanctuary saying our prayers. Then we all stood up to sing, and Mrs. Johnson was in the pew in front of me, and I saw that her dress was caught in the crack of he butt! So, I thought I…

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budweiser and your mother

This guy in New York bought a lotto ticket everyday, and everyday he told his son, ” son, if I win the lotto, it’s going to be France, champagne and Brigitte Bardot.” The next day again he comes home shows the lotto tickets to his son and says, “son, if I win the lotto it’s going to be France, champagne and Brigitte Bardot.” Finally his son, tired of hearing the same thing, askes, ” Dad what if you dont win?”…

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If Men Were In Charge Of Weddings…..

There would be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” until the cops showed up. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part. The couple would leave the ceremony in…

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BLONDE SWIMMER

A local TV station sponsored a contest for young ladies who were to swim across Lake Ontario. The winner would receive a modeling contract. Three women entered…a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The winner was the brunette who made it in twelve hours, followed closely by the redhead who came in 30 minutes later. When the blonde still hadn’t come in two hours later, they sent a boat out to pick her up. They found her exhausted and angry…

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The Perfect Team

The Raiders Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for ?98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn?t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super bowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly…

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Blonde on job interview

A business man was looking for a new secretary and this very blonde girl came for an interview. He kept asking her about her qualifications but the answers were so dumb that he had to think of something else to keep from laughing out loudly. But the interview was amusing him, so he asked her some simple questions like how old she was. The girl counted on her fingers and finally came up with 22. Then he asked her her…

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