Ss Jokes - page 148

Doctor’s Visit

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor pulled the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. He will surely die if you don’t do the following: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.…

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Sex & lies

An healthy and shy man, 70 years old, at the doctor’s office. – “Hey doc… I don’t know how it is possible… I’m very anxious about… but, I’m… a little ashamed… Many of my same aged friends are saying they have intercourse six times a week.” – “What’s the problem? Tell them the same thing!!”

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Pearls of Wisdom

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Stupidity got us into this mess — why can’t it get us out? Even if you are on the…

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A Woman’s Prayer

Dear Lord: So far today, I am doing alright. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes and I will need a lot more help after that.

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3 Prostitutes

There are three prostitutes sitting at a bar discussing the size of their hole. The first one says, “I can get a whole fist up mine!” The second says, “That’s nothing! I can get two fists up mine!” The third one just slides down the bar stool!

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Japanese Food

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the…

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B.L.T.N.T.

A man walks into a diner and sits down. The waitress comes over and hands him a menu. He hands it back and says “I already know what I want, I want a B.L.T.N.T.” The waitress looks at him with a confused look and says,”I know what a B.L.T. is but what does N.T. mean? The man replys, “Bacon, lettuce, and tomato not toasted.” So the waitress goes and gets his sandwich. After he eats it, she comes over and…

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HILLARY’S DRIVER

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn’t–the cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar…

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Farmer digs a hole

A preacher was passing a farmer’s house on an afternoon walk. He noticed the farmer was digging a rather large hole. The preacher asked what the farmer was doing, to which the farmer replied “One of m’ critters died last night and I gotta bury ‘im.” The preacher asked “Which one?” The farmer answered, “My burro.” The preacher stated, “You know, according to The Good Book, that critter is an ass.” The farmer nodded and continued his chore. A few…

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