Somethin Jokes - page 21

‘While you’ve been away…’

Coming back from a month-long business trip to Asia, a wealthy businessman arrived at the airport where he was fetched by his chauffeur named Jim. On the long drive home, the businessman inquired, “So, Jim, has anything happened while I was away?” Jim replied, “No, sir. I can’t think of anything at all worth mentioning.” The businessman said, “Come now, Jim. I have been away for almost a month. Surely something must have happened in all that time.” Thinking for…

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Top 10 Reasons Women Reject Men

TOP TEN REASONS WHY WOMEN REJECT MEN AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”) 9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.) 8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else…

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Sharp as a crayon

I went to the psychiatrist the other day. He handed me a piece of paper and a pencil and said, “Draw me something.” I said, “Like what?” “Something you can’t verbalize.” So after about ten minutes I handed him the paper and pencil back. “There’s nothing on this paper,” he said. “Yeah, I know,” I said. “I drew a blank.”

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A Hacker’s Version of ‘Yesterday’

Sing this to the tune of the Beatles’ “Yesterday” : Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There’s not half the files there used to be, And there’s a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data’s gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so…

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Answering machines

~~~~ My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid…

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Son of a parrot

A skinhead type gets on the bus with an orange Mohawk cut all spiked out, green side burns, the whole bit. Another more conventional and a generation older man can’t take his eyes of him. Finally the skinhead says, “What’s the matter, old man? Can’t stand something different?” The man replies kindly, “Oh no! It’s just that I screwed a parrot once and you may be my son.”

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TECHNIQUES ON BEING AN EFFECTIVE EMPLOYEE

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they?re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they?re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.…

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Top 20 things you will NEVER hear a woman say

1. We both work and you got the check last time. Let me get it. 2. I don’t need another pair of shoes. I have a closet full of them I don’t wear now. 3. Maybe this isn’t the right time time talk about this. Let’s talk later. 4. We always talk about how I feel. How do you feel? If you don’t know, that’s OK. 5. You’re right, I’m wrong. I’m sorry. 6. I’m sorry I made such a…

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Tragic Accident at the Brewery

Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door. “May I come in, Brenda darlin’?” says Tim sadly, “I’ve somethin to tell ya.” “Of course, Tim, come in, but where’s Patrick?” she asks. “That’s what I’m here to be tellin ya, Brenda,” says Tim. “There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery.” “Oh, God NO!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…..” “I’m so sorry, darlin’” says Tim, his voice breaking, “Your…

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