Sm Jokes - page 77

Easter!

The Easter bunny came to my house today. Well he didn’t come inside, but rather, he hopped around my yard for a while. Really he didn’t hop, it was more like he walked around the yard. I was quite surprised by his appearance. In fact he didn’t look much like I always thought he would. He was furry and brown; he also walked on four legs and had large teeth. I was really excited when he began hiding chocolate eggs…

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Useful Expressions for High-Stress Days

1. Well, aren’t we just a ray of fucking sunshine? 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 3. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. 4. Do I look like a fucking people person? 5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat. (Wait a minute, I hate cats. Change that to my dog.) 7. Did the aliens…

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Dr. Sorry

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is correct,” Say the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.…

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Sayings that should be on BUTTONS

01. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 02. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 03. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 04. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. 05. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 06. Do I look like a fricking people person? 07. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 08. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 09.…

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Punishment by profession

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. “I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The sheik turns to the…

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Beware of Chinese Bartenders

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant to have dinner but the maitre’d informs him that there will be at least a twenty-minute wait. The maitre’d then asks the man, “Would you like to wait in the bar?” So the man goes into the bar and the bartender asks, “So what’ll it be?” The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.” The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time there…

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Itchy Blonde

A lovely blonde woke up one morning with a burning itch between her legs. She went to the clinic immediately. After she was examined, the doctor gave her his diagnosis. “Miss Appleby, you have acute vaginitis”. She smiled demurely. “Why thank you, Doctor.”

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Secret to old age

Three old men were sitting on a bench in Florida when a reporter approached them. “I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life,” the reported asked. The three old men agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life. “I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.” “Wow, thats really remarkable!” said…

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woman bashing

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure. Why did God give men penises? So we’d always have at least one way to shut a…

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The Chili Contest

Just recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy,…

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