Red pen Jokes - page 53

The OTHER Way!

The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of Plainview, N.Y., has recalled an “anti-drug” pencil it was giving to local school children. The pencils have the slogan “Too Cool to Do Drugs” on them, but as the pencils are sharpened down, the message becomes “Cool to Do Drugs” and, later, “Do Drugs”. When shown the unintended message, a spokesperson for the Bureau noted the group was “actually a little embarrassed that we didn’t notice that sooner.” The pencils will be redone with…

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Breakfast Radio

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the FM stations had a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. The competition went like this: Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had…

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WINE – OOOOHHHHH

A homeless drunk scrapes up all his change one day and heads for his favorite liquor store. He places $5.00 in change on the counter and says, “Max give me four bottles of the cheapest ripple ya got!” Eager with his score, he immediately downs all four bottles and passes out in an alley. Along about 1:30am a disgruntled fag happens by after striking out at the local gay bar. Spying the passed out drunk, he decides to relive himself.…

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Read JokeWINE – OOOOHHHHH

Good Buddy

Tony stops at his buddy Frank’s house on the way home from work. Frank’s wife Angela answers the door and says he’s not home yet but that Tony is welcome to come in and wait. She sits him down at the kitchen table so they can chat while she makes dinner. She notices Tony staring at her. “Why are you looking at me like that?” smiles Angela. “Angie, you got the greatest rack I ever saw,” says Tony. “I’ll give…

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Jesus at the gates

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for new arrivals. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?” “Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?” “Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.” “Sounds easy enough. OK.” So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went…

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What he says, What he really means

“Haven’t I seen you before?” “Nice ass.” “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.” “I need you” “My hand is tired.” “I am different from all the other guys” “I am not circumcised.” “I really want to get to know you better.” “So I can tell my friends about it.” “It’s just orange juice, try it.” “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.” “She’s kinda cute.” “I want to have sex with her till I am blue.” “I…

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Read JokeWhat he says, What he really means

1/1/2000 Virus Alert!

On January 1, 2000, do not open any email, do not go anywhere, do not eat anything , do not wake up, because the world will be infected with a non-life-threatening virus known as the “Holy Shit, the World is Still Here!” virus. It will infect every human being alive who believes their car, refrigerator, microwave, condom dispenser and sphincter muscle are going to shut down due to the terrible Y2K virus. (Although this WILL happen to redneck towns more…

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Just Married?

In the days of horses and carts a couple get hitched. On the ride home after the reception, the fellows horse keeps playing up, every 100 yards or so the horse would come to a dead stop for no apparent reason. The groom jumps from the cart, walks to the horses face, holding one finger up…”That’s ONE!” he yells, and quickly remounts up onto the buggy. The bride shrugs this off, but another hundred yards down the track the horse…

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Her Alibi

Debbie wasn’t home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend’s phone numbers, her Mother fired up Debbie’s computer and saw a list of e-mail addresses. She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was. Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies, all saying that she wasn’t to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at HER house and was sorry she had neglected to telephone.

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Guaranteed Weight Loss

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious health risk. As he wondered how the heck he was ever going to do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed like hell,” he thought to himself, but desperate, he called them up and subscribed to the 3-day, 10-lb. weight loss program. The next day there was a knock at the door and when he answered,…

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Read JokeGuaranteed Weight Loss