Red pen Jokes - page 56

Advice From Men To Women

GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS: 1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location. 2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing. 3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better…

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Read between the lines

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers. 1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended 6. measures to complete his work, sometimes…

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Read JokeRead between the lines

Sand…..Again?

Kelvin comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Kelvin. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Kelvin overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but…

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How to screw up an interview

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for tories of unusual behavior by job applicants. ************************************** The lowlights: ************** 1. “… stretched out…

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A nasty bruise

I saw my mate Spag the other day; hadn’t seen him for some time. I was surprised to see that he had a nasty big red bruise right across his forehead. Horrible looking thing. I said, “Wow, what happened to you, Spag?” He said, “Well, me and the wife were doing it doggy-style out in the back yard, and there was a big clap of thunder, and she ran under the house.”

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Read JokeA nasty bruise

Old guy, Young guy

In the future, a young man fresh out of college asked his rich neighbor, “How did you ever make so much money?” The man looked at his worn hands and said, “It was hard, hard work, my boy, and I’ll tell you my secrets. Once, I found a nickel on the ground. I took that little nickel and bought with it one red apple. I spent my whole day polishing that one apple and at the end of the day…

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Computers

Men think computers should be referred to as females, just like ships, because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, I’m certainly not going to tell you.” 4. Your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5.…

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Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.…

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Good Dog

A butcher was about to close up shop one night when a dog walked in, carrying a paper bag in its mouth. The butcher tried to shoo the dog away, but it wouldn’t leave. Instead it set the bag down and barked at it. So the butcher looked inside of the bag, and found some money and a note. The note said: 1 lb Italian sausage 2 lbs Pork chops So the butcher filled the order, made change for the…

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Read JokeGood Dog