Ra ra ra Jokes - page 244

The Nurse Who Got It All Wrong

Dr. Masters and Dr. Johnson were discussing the performance of Nurse Ratchett who seemed to have trouble understanding the simplest instruction. Dr. Masters said, “I notice Nurse Ratchett always mixes up the words in any instruction I give her. Why, just recently, I told her to give Mr. Jones an injection of two-milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. What she did was to give him an injection of 10-milligrams every two hours. Mr. Jones damn near died on us!” “Tell…

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Order Ahead

A sad-faced man came into the flower shop early one morning. I was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, but this time I guessed wrong. He wanted a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. “And what day will that be?” I asked. Glumly, he replied, “Yesterday.”

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Breaking the News

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love YOU so much that we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day…

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Advice from Mr. Big

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office. He’s a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office, I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?” He said, “Two words.” “And, Sir, what are they?” “Right decisions.” “But how do you make right decisions?” “One word,” he responded. “And, Sir, what is that?”…

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Weight Up

Gus was this really big guy who desperately wanted to lose weight but nothing worked. So Gus went to see the doctor. “Doctor, please tell me how to lose weight.” “Sure” the doctor said, “all you have to do is eat through your arse and it wont go through your body so you can’t put on weight.” 2 months later….. The doctor sees Gus up the street, “WOW Gus, you look great, but what’s with that terrible limp?” Gus replies,…

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Make a Sentence

Children were called upon in class to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.” Jack stood thinking for a bit, all eyes focused on him, while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, “DEFEAT of DEDUCT went over DEFENSE before DETAIL!!!”

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Glad to Be a Man

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe. I don’t live off of yogurt, diet Coke, or cottage cheese. I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west. I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears. I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And…

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NUTS

Miss Thelma McDonald, a sweet little old lady, got a great deal of pleasure out of feeding the squirrels in her back yard. There seemed to be a female and a male, whom she named Bonnie and Clyde, and several smaller squirrels whom she assumed were their children. Every morning she would leave mixed nuts under her beautiful sycamore and watch her furry little friends come for breakfast. Her next door neighbor, old Mr. Curdy, did not enjoy the squirrels.…

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DAMN FISH

Alright this father and son are going fishing at a dam. So, they’re fishing and the father gets a bite. He reels it in and says, “YEA! I caught a dam fish.” The boy just looks at his father strangely. The father then says, “We will eat this for dinner.” Well, dinner rolls around and the father says, “Son pass me the dam fish.” So the son passes him the fish and then replies, “Dad, now you pass me the…

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Jealous Rooster

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly-colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster walked in, saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

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