Ow Jokes - page 380

The Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers) Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual…

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The Runner

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, “Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!” Ralph looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there.” Mary cried, “If my husband catches us in here,…

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Small Wonder

A man on the psychiatrist’s couch tells the doctor that everyone hates him. “Nonsense,” says the doctor. “But tell me why you think everyone hates you.” “For starters,” says the painter. “I’m not white.” “That’s no reason to be hated,” counsels the doctor. “That’s true,” agrees the man on the couch. “But you see, I am also not a Christian.” “Again,” says the doctor. “That’s no reason for people to hate you.” “True,” says the patient. “But then, I am…

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50 ways to annoy your roomate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat.…

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for the birds

A man walks into a pet store with a parrot sitting on his shoulder. He asks the clerk if he sells bird seed. The man says, “We’re all out, come back tomorrow.” He walks back in the next day and asks the same question. The clerk says, “Come back tomorrow.” He comes back the next day and asks, “Do you stuff birds?” The clerk says, “Yeah, I stuff birds.” The old man throws his dead parrot on the counter and…

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Top 20 things to do at Taco Bell

1. Order 25 tacos at the drive-thru, then just pull off. 2. Demand to speak with that talking Chihuahua. 3. Ask for ketchup with your nachos. 4. Ask if they accept Mexican money. 5. Tell them you want a taco, but tell them without the shell. 6. Scream “VIVA GORDITAS!” the whole time you are in there. 7. Order nachos; without cheese. 8. Ask if you can super size your taco. 9. Claim that you are the voice-over guy for…

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Perfect Timing

Otto von Bismark, the first Chancellor of the German Empire from 1871-90 had been conversing for a rather long time with the British Ambassador to Germany when the latter posed the question: “How do you handle insistent visitors who take up so much of your valuable time?” Bismark answered, “Oh, I have an infallible method. My servant appears and informs me that my wife has something urgent to tell me.” At that moment there was a knock at the door,…

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Stress Management

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called “the world.” The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear… …so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you’re holding under the water. There now, feeling better?

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A Trip for Benjy

As Benjy and his parents drove down the final stretch of highway towards their brand-new home in St. Louis, Missouri, Benjy’s eyes were wide with fascination at all the skyscrapers and traffic. It was much different from what they had left behind in Paducah, Kentucky. “What do you think of THAT, Benjy?” said his Pa, pointing out the famous Arch to him. Benjy exclaimed, “WOW! And to think that it is only HALF finished!” “WHAT is ‘half finished’?” said his…

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