One man Jokes - page 69

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I’m worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON…

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After a night on the town with his buddies and a few too many drinks, Tom foolishly offers to give everyone a lift home. As Tom is driving down the freeway, his friend yells out that he has missed the exit. “No problem,” says Tom as he puts the car in reverse and begins reversing — straight into another car. Wouldn’t you know it but 10 seconds later a police officer drives up. The officer approaches the other car first…

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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said. The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said. The…

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A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?” “How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!” “Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”

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Here is a great historical instance of out-of-the-box thinking: The renown British physicist Ernest Rutherford was known as the father of nuclear physics. When he was a professor at an English university, he got a call from a colleague who asked if Rutherford would be a referee on the grading of an examination question. This fellow professor was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question while the student claimed he should receive a…

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A man in a bar said to the bartender, “I’ll bet you a hundred bucks I can bite my own eye!” The bartender, convinced this was impossible, accepted. The man pulled out his false teeth, bit his eye gently with them, and replaced them in his mouth. The bartender was pretty upset, but paid the $100. A few minutes later, the man approached the bartender again. “Look,” he said, “I’ll give you a chance to win that hundred back. I’ll…

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