Old man Jokes - page 81

In one hour…

So there was this man who was quite capable, and was looking for a job. His only problem was, …. ….well he didn’t have (ahem..) .. balls- which bothered him a lot. Finally he got a job in a Govt office. When his boss found about his handicap, he not only consoled him but told him that though the office timings are 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM, but he may come at 11:00 AM, which he accepted gladly, without bothering…

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Diagnosis

A man had gone to see the doctor several hours before and his wife was worried about him. Finally the doctor’s office called and the doctor said, “Mrs. Smith, I have some bad news. I’m afraid your husband is very sick.” The woman said, “Oh my God, what does he have, doctor?” The doctor replied, “Well, that’s just it- he either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s Disease. I need your help to figure out which one it is.” The woman, “Of…

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You know the 90’s are almost over when…

1. Everyone used to joke about a Starbucks on every corner, and now there is a Starbucks on every corner. 2. People mark December 31st on their calendar as “The End of the World.” 3. Gen-Xers trade their futons in for orthopedic support mattresses. 4. You realize a big family is inefficient and decide to downsize. 5. HBO introduces it’s new channel: HBO Pi – The channel that never repeats. 6. Movie promos brag, “Funniest Movie of the Millenium.” 7.…

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Nothing but the Truth

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment. After they had looked most of the morning, they found a place that was…

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10 Truths

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air; it’s not important…

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Strawberry Topping

There once was an old farmer who was hauling a load of manure in his truck. Unfortunately, his truck broke down just outside the fence of a mental institution. As the farmer was trying to repair his truck a patient from the mental institution came to the fence and asked the farmer, “Hey, buddy what are you going to do with that manure?” The farmer replied, “I’m going to put it on my strawberries.” The mental patient scratched his head…

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The Pissed Genie

A man is walking down the beach and sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie merges. She says, “Normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you SOB, I am going to grant only 1.” He thinks a minute and says “OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed.” She says “So be it!” and…

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Student Bloopers: The World According to………..

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of…

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George Washington

DID YOU EVER HEAR THE EXPRESSION: YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING? THIS IS HOW IT ORIGINATED: George Washington was traveling with his troops at Valley Forge. They were cold, hungry and tired. One of the soldiers asks General Washington when they can stop to get some food and rest. Washington tells them he’ll stop at the next house he sees. At the house, he knocks on the door and asks the lady if she can give his men food and…

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Viagra line (Men’s Version)

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society….. DIRECTRA: a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA: men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting…

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Read JokeViagra line (Men’s Version)