Old man Jokes - page 43

Fancy Dress

A young man was invited to the office party, and told it was fancy dress. Wanting to impress his co-workers he racked his brains to come up with an original idea. The night of the party arrived. He knocked at the door and entered into the room. Not only was he stark naked but his girlfriend, who he was giving a piggy-back to, was also stark naked. The office manager raced up to him and said ‘WHAT ON EARTH ARE…

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One Night in a Hotel

Once there was a bellhop named Joe. and one day, three newlywed couples came to stay for a while. The first couple walked in, and Joe noticed that the wife was a nurse. He thought, “Wow, what a lucky guy. Nurses are supposed to be really pretty. I think I’ll stay up late and eavesdrop on their room.” Then the next couple came in, and Joe noticed the wife was a telephone operator. He thought, “Wow, what a lucky guy.…

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the mummy

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum. “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.” A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and…

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Women Talk More

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use, on the average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, “What?”

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Check That ID

A masterful forger, this guy definitely was not. News of the Weird reports that in March 1996, 18-year-old dock worker at Roadway Express in Dallas was arrested at a local Western Union and charged with forgery after improperly trying to cash a check made out to his employer. The man produced a photo ID that gave his name as Mr. Roadway V. Express. After questioning him, the Western Union manager said, “OK, Mr. Express, I’ll be right back (with the…

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Things that make you go hmmm

Stopped at traffic light, the gray beard biker stared wide-eyed at a punk rocker crossing the street in front of him. The kid was a helluva sight. The punker had green, orange, yellow, and blue hair, elaborately waxed up into tall spikes sprouting from the top of his head. Seeing the old biker staring at him, the punk rocker stopped and said, “Hey, whatcha lookin’ at, man? Didn’t you ever do anythin’ excitin’ in your life when you were younger?”…

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Deadheads & stoners

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. They just follow it around for 30 years thinking it’s still lit. Q: How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 20. One to hold the bulb, and 19 to huff until the room spins. Q: How many stoners does it take to tell a good joke? A: Um… I forgot

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Blonde phone call

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother. When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims, “I don’t have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!” To that the man asks, “Anything?” And the blonde says, “yes.. Anything!” With that, the man says, “Follow me.” He walks into the next room and tells her, “Come in and close the door”. She does.…

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Through the eyes of a child…

Children’s Comments An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?” Children on Religion….. A mother…

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The Jerk

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung…

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