No men Jokes - page 66

Blonde Ambition

Sick and tired of hearing all those nasty blonde jokes and of how all blondes are perceived to be dumb, this blonde is determined to show her husband that blondes are really smart. While her husband is off to work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 pm…

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The Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act Naturally 49. Found Missing 48. Resident Alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine Imitation 45. Airline Food 44. Good Grief 43. Same Difference 42. Almost Exactly 41. Government Organization 40. Sanitary Landfill 39. Alone Together 38. Legally Drunk 37. Silent Scream 36. British Fashion 35. Living Dead 34. Small Crowd 33. Business Ethics 32. Soft Rock 31. Butt Head 30. Military Intelligence 29. Software Documentation 28. New York Culture 27. New Classics 26. Sweet Sorrow 25. Childproof 24. “Now,…

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disabled swimmers

A disabled swimming class is currently on at a swimming pool and a group of cripples are crowding round the pool. “I’ll bet I can swim two lengths in a minute,” says a man with one arm. He jumps in and swims the two lengths in just under one minute. “That’s nothing, I can do it less than that,” says a man with no arms. He jumps in and struggles through the two lengths in a better time to the…

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A Poem For Those Over 30…

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you…

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Sex at sea

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away…

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Coming to a Complete Stop

A police officer pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, “Sir, May I see your driver’s license and registration please?” The driver said, “What’s the problem, officer?” “Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.” “Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me!” “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and…

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bird

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?” “A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened,…

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New Barbie Dolls for Christmas 1999

Now that Barbie is nearing 40, we’ve created new dolls that more realistically reflect her current life-style. 1. Bifocals Barbie: Includes her own set of blended lens fashion frames in 6 wild colors. Includes neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and see her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead and upper lip. Complete with tiny tissues. 3. Facial Hair Barbie:…

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More Selected Bumper Sticker Sayings

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. Pride is what we…

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the way they are…

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list: **************************************** 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.…

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