Nice thing Jokes - page 7

Enterprising child

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, “It sure is dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball.” Man – “That’s nice.” Boy – “Want to buy it?”…

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Gay Head

For those of you who don’t know, Gay Head is the name of a small town on Martha’s Vineyard, now renamed to Aquinna (I can’t imagine why they renamed it). It is known for its fabulous beach and stunning red cliffs overlooking the beach. On my recent vacation, I decided to go there for the day. Feeling a little brave, I decided to head for the Northwest end of the beach. This is where bathing suits are optional. As I…

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Adam and Eve limmerick

In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam’s, One covered Eve’s. As the story goes on, Nevertheless to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve’s treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve’s eyes, As Adam’s thing, Started to rise. They found a spot, That suited them best, A…

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Chili Contest

Just recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy,…

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Parking Loan

A businessman walks into a bank in Boston and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for…

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Blonde Uses Cell Phone

A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it’s her husband. “Hi hon,” he says “how do you like your new phone?” She replies “I just love it! It’s so…

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The Bill of NO RIGHTS

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole…

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Snatch-eating Frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box. and it says…”Snatch Eating Frogs $20.00 each comes with instructions)”. She looks at it for a minute…looks around to see if anyone’s watching her… and whispers to the man behind the counter…”I’LL TAKE ONE!” He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog…

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The Mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their place. The farmer had tried to be nice to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly relationship. But, she kept nagging at them whenever she got the chance, making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing…

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Useful Expressions for High-Stress Days

1. Well, aren’t we just a ray of fucking sunshine? 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 3. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. 4. Do I look like a fucking people person? 5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. 6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat. (Wait a minute, I hate cats. Change that to my dog.) 7. Did the aliens…

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