Mornin Jokes - page 8

Medical

Health Warnings

Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic drink containers: Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.…

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Funny Stories

3 Newfies

One fine summer day three newfies decided to move to Alberta and find work. The first place they stopped at was Alberta Power and applied for labourer positions. The foreman for Alberta Power asked them if they had ever planted power line poles before to which they replied, “No bye, but we’s be fast learners and quick too.” So the foreman said, “Alright, show up tomorrow morning and I’ll give you a try.” The next morning the three newfies showed…

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Religious

First-Time Altar Boy

There was a young boy just learning to be an altar boy, and he was very nervous. On his first Sunday, there was a special service, and the Priest explained to him that when he said, “And the Angels lit the candles,” the alter boy was to come out and light the candles. Sunday morning came, and the service was going along just fine until it came to the part where the Priest said, “And the Angels lit the candles.”…

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True Stories, Yo Mama

(True) Bloopers from Church Bulletins

These are true stories supposedly… * Don’t let worry kill you- let the church help. * Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. * For those of you who have children and didn’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. * The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.…

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Funny Stories

Breakfast with Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan and Jane were lying in bed early one Sunday morning. Gently, Tarzan rolled over towards Jane and started to give her a playful shoulder massage. “Oh Tarzan”, she said… “Not now dear. I’m still sleepy, and besides, I’m hungry Why don’t you go out and find us something for breakfast.” Tarzan grudgingly slipped on his loin cloth, stretched his muscular torso, and grabbed the first vine, heading off into the jungle. The sun was shining and all the animals…

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Funny Stories

Trailer Trash Tragedy

Three Trailer Trash brothers, Buford, Daryl and Daryl, go out on the lake fishin in a canoe. Purty soon, Daryl an Daryl get to rasslin in the canoe and sure enough it turns over. Now Buford he smart but he cain’t swim none, so he drowns while Daryl and Daryl they get picked up by Luke McCoy who is also out thar fishin. The next day, Sheriff Will Harmon, he sends his deputy to bring Daryl and Daryl down to…

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Wedding

Camping Adventures

Two guys go on a camping trip up into the mountains, and they have a wonderful time. By about the fourth day, however, they’ve run out of things to talk about and are starting to get on each others nerves. So on the fourth night, as they’re having dinner, one of the guys makes a suggestion to his friend. “Look, we’ve been having a pretty good time up here, but let’s face it…after four days together we’ve run out of…

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Funny Stories

Santa Claus is a WOMAN!

I think Santa Claus is a woman…. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time…

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Funny Stories

Southern Sayings…..

SOUTHERN SAYINGS….. 1. “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.” 2. “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.” 3. “He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.” 4. “Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’” 5. “She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.” 6. “It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.” 7. “My cow died last night so I don’t…

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Wedding

Wedding Party

A minister was planning a short wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down to be married before the congregation. For the life of him, though, he couldn’t think of the names of those two people! “Will those wanting to get married please come down to the front at this time?” he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the…

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