Ity Jokes - page 29

Pregnant Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, Mom decided to play a trick on her. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven un-stuffed it, re-stuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put the stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back…

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Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.…

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Johnny Appleseed

Little Johnny asks his teacher: “How are the babies made?” Teacher, not wanting to take the responsibility of explaining such a sensitive subject, suggests that he go home and ask his parents. When he gets home, Johnny approaches his father with the same question. His father replies, “Oh! that is a long story, you better speak to mother!” The mother, in her turn, says: “Oh! It is a difficult question, why don’t you better speak to granddad!” Grandfather is sitting…

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NPR Interview

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: “So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?” GENERAL REINWALD: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.” FEMALE INTERVIEWER: “Shooting! that’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?” GENERAL REINWALD: “I don’t see why,…

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Getting Out of Class

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the 1200 students who went to move 26 cars return to class.”

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10 things women will NEVER understand about Men:

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it’s annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do, wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they’ll…

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DANGER!!!

“Everyday some new do gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem is, we need accidents, and LOTS of them. Danger is natures way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents! With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are, devolving into half-witted mutants because idiots, who by all rights should be dead,…

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King Arthur

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a…

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Prehistoric Politics

President: “This is a great day in our country. I as your President have come up with a sure fire way to fix many of our social issues. The issue of education for example is one with many pitfalls. The best manner in which to solve this issue is to create efficient and low-cost methods by which we can give all visitors to our great nation the impression of prosperity.” Questioner: “Really? How so?” President: “Well, you see, the idea…

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