Ins Jokes - page 93

Ethnic Cultural

State Mottos

Little known state mottos: Alabama: “Segregation now, Segregation Forever!” Alaska: “Land of 11,623 drunken Eskimos” Arizona: “It’s not the heat….” Arkansas: “Litterasy Ain’t Everything” California: “Land of the ‘Quakers’.” Colorado: “If you don’t ski, don’t come.” Connecticut: “Home of the ‘term life’ policy.” Delaware: “Home of prison floggings and an age 7 ‘consent law’.” Florida: “Ask Us About Our Grandkids.” Georgia: “Going to church? Bring your own snake.” Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (“If you’ve got the money,…

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Religious

Interreligious Charity

A minister, priest and rabbi were on an interreligious group’s finance committee, and needed to decide how much of the group’s money should be donated to charity. The minister said, “Draw a large circle on the ground. Throw the money up into the air and whatever lands inside the circle, we’ll donate to charity.” The priest said, “Draw a large circle on the ground. Throw the money up into the air and whatever lands outside the circle, we’ll donate to…

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Politics

WAYS TO TELL YOU ARE GOING TO BE IMPEACHED!

You know you?re about to be impeached when: * When you call to congratulate Mark MacGuire, he lets his answering machine get it. * Your press secretary keeps introducing you as William Milhous Clinton. * You?re invited to appear on Jeopardy?s “Impeached Presidents Week.” * Tipper Gore is in your office measuring it for new curtains. * Even the nastiest intern won?t give you the time of day. * The Library of Congress stops letting you sign out books. *…

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Little Johnny

Womb!!!

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day while the teacher had asked the kids whenever she gives a letter from A-Z use a word that starts with that letter then use it in a sentence. The teacher goes ahead with her lesson and Starts out with “A” well Johnny was the first one to raise his hand, but the teacher thinks to herself she had better not, because she knows how Johnny is. So instead she picks Sandra. Sandra…

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Wedding

The Lord’s on my Side

An elderly couple goes for their annual physical. The man is checked out first and the Dr. replies, “Mr. Smith you’re in remarkable health for a man your age.” “I’m not surprised,” answers Mr. Smith, “I’ve got the Lord on my side.” “How do you mean,” asks the doc, beginning to wonder about senility. “Well just last night,” begins the old guy, “I had to pee in the middle of the night and the Lord turned on the bathroom light…

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Funny Stories

Have you heard about….

…CCA Prison Realty Trust? They’re buying Corrections Corp. of America in a $3.17 billion deal that will create the world’s largest penitentiary business. The merged entity will market its product under the more user-friendly name, “Motel 6-to-Life.” …Patrizia Martinelli, ex-wife of fashion heir Maurizio Gucci? She was convicted of ordering her husband’s murder and was sentenced to 29 years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price for a Gucci knockoff. …McDonald’s? They have a new series of TV…

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Funny Stories

A Teacher’s Taste Test

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of…

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Golf

Nine o’ five

I was playing golf one morning and a friend asked if he could play a round against me. I told him, “Sure. What time do you want me to meet you here?” He said, “Nine o’ clock … Maybe nine o’ five.” Sure enough, the next day he is there to tee off at nine o’ clock sharp. He tees off right-handed and I tee off right-handed. We played eighteen holes and he beat me by two strokes. I congratulated…

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Wedding

MSDS Sheet

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT: Woman SYMBOL: WO (Varies HO depending on which periodic table is used) DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg but known to vary from 40-200kg. OCCURRENCES: Migrates in clusters. Copious quantities in all urban areas. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface usually covered in painted film. 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states from virgin metal…

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Wedding

Pack your bags!

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!” The husband says, “Wow! That’s great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” She says, “I don’t care. Just get the hell out.”

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