Ing Jokes - page 472

W-I-F-E

“My name is Larry, and I am a S N A G.” Another guy says, “What’s that ?” Larry says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.” Another guy says, “My name is Gary, and I am a D I N K.” A girl at the bar asks, “What’s that ?” He says, “That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.” A lady says, “That’s nice. My name is Trixie, and I am a W I F…

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viruses

Mike Tyson Virus quits after one byte The Ellen Degeneres Virus your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC Titanic Virus makes your whole computer go down Disney Virus everything in the computer goes Goofy Prozac Virus screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care Kevorkian Virus searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them Oprah Winfrey Virus your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB AT&T Virus every 3 minutes it…

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When it rains, it pours …

A man was sitting alone at the bar looking so sad and forlorn. He had a glass of beer in front of him but he did not touch the glass for more than half an hour. Just then a burly, mean biker approached the sad man, grabbed the glass and drank all the content. As the biker wiped off the beer suds from his mouth, the man began to cry. The biker laughed and said, “Hey, man, I was just…

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A Perfect Opportunity

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault. They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, “Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?” One of the robbers said, “What’s on your mind, pal?” “Would you mind taking the books too?” the teller asked. “I’m five thousand dollars short.”

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Sage Comments from Smart Women

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…. and I also know that I’m not blonde.” -Dolly Parton- “You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” -Erica Jong- “I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that…

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Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Bill Clinton Statue Committee 1040 Buffoon Street Little Rock, AR 72205 Dear Friend: We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising 5 million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, DC. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth,…

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Facelift

A woman goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. “Well”, says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you will have to come back in six months for a follow-up.” “Oh no!” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.” The doctor thinks for a few seconds, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your…

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Act of Betrayal

Drinking at the bar, a man tells his drinking buddy, “You know, last night, I discovered my wife was in bed with another man and I was crushed.” “Sorry to hear that,” says his friend. “What did you say when you found out?” “I told them to get off me coz I can’t breathe!”

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A few of my deep thoughts on life….

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him. I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” (Unless it was just a lawn mower.) I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine…

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Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the…

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