Ing Jokes - page 467

How to Get to Heaven

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t…

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Blonde’s Mailbox

One day a guy was out doing yard work when his very attractive blonde female neighbor came stomping outside, walked to her mailbox, opened the door, slammed it shut, and stomped back in. A few minutes later the blonde stomped outside, walked to her mailbox, opened the door, looked in and slammed the door shut again. This continued 3 or 4 more times. The last time the blonde flung open her door, marched to the mailbox flung open the mailbox…

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How do I get to the boat?

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Because his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he’d give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, “How do you dock the boat?” The salesman replied, “Well, you really don’t dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way, you don’t bang up the finish…

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Lesser of Two Evils?

The two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. Republican Texas governor, George W. Bush stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore meanwhile stated that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

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Where’s Marian?

One day, a kid and his mom went to the local supermarket for some shopping. The mother got carried away with her shopping, and the kid got lost. The six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, “Marian, Marian!” Finally, reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, “You shouldn’t call me, ‘Marian.’ I’m your mother, you know . . .” “I know, Mom,” said the child, “but the store is FULL of mothers!”

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Professor’s Joke

A college professor always starts his class with a dirty joke. After one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time he starts telling a joke. The next day the Professor comes into the class and says, “Did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door. “Wait,” cried the Professsor, “the boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

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How Now Brown Cow?

Old cowboy Sam suddenly found all of his cows were very sick. An immediate call to the vet resulted in the recommendation for a cure involving the insertion of a rather large pill in the rear of each animal. After several rather difficult tries, another call to the vet resulted in the use of a blow pipe. With the pill in the blow pipe and a hard puff the pill was immediately lodged in the proper location. With the large…

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Left-Handed

A man and a woman were golfing when the woman said suddenly, “Would you remarry if I died?” “Yes”, said the man. “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”, asked the woman. “No”, said the man,”she’s left-handed”.

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Jeffery

Jeffery was a maintenance man for a big-time broadway production company. He was the guy who went around sweeping the floors after hours. One day, though, Jeffery was approached by one of the big time directors, a man dressed all in black, with a megaphone hung limply in his left arm. “Jeffery,” he said, “I have some news for you. We’re putting on a gigantic production about the Civil War tomorrow. One of my men came down with the flu…

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Bad eggs

George went down to breakfast at a B&B in Brighton. He sat down at the table and ate his breakfast. “Are you sure this egg is cooked properly? It tastes horrible!” The fat landlady replied, “I didnt cook it, lovey. It was still warm this morning when the dog laid it.”

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