Ing Jokes - page 154

Charm School

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.” The second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.” The first woman continued “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.” Again, the comment, “Well, isn’t that nice.” The first boasted, “Then, when my…

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A Wife and a Mistress

Feeling a bit paranoid, a rich businessman decided to test the fidelity of his wife and his mistress by putting them both on the same cruise ship vacation in the Caribbean. He booked two adjacent rooms for the two women and then begged off from accompanying them because of business concerns. Once the cruise trip ended, he would question his wife and his mistress separately on each other’s behavior during the cruise without letting on about their relationship with him.…

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Make That To Go!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads : Cheese sandwich $1.50 Chicken sandwich $2.50 Hand Job $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. “Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?” “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the…

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Where’s My Car?

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches. “Can I help you, Sir?” “Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies. The cop asks, “Where was the car the last time you saw it?” “It wassss at the end of thissss key!” the man answers. About that time, the officer looks down and sees that the man’s “thing” is hanging out of…

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Lost Boots

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong. He sobbed, “I can’t find my boots.” The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. “Are these yours?” “No, they’re not mine,” said the little boy, shaking his head. The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.…

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Colorful Shipwreck

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he’s on a beach. The sand is purple. He can’t believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He’s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple, too. “Oh NO!” he says, “I think I’ve been marooned!”

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Flowers

This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn’t care. She’s busy doing her thing around the house. All of a sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses…the expensive ones…from her husband. She…

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Bigger Boobs

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then…

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The Broken Watch

A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch on the counter in front of the proprietor. “Would you please repair this…

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yo mamma’s

yo mamma is so dumb, she tripped over a cordless phone. yo mamma is so fat, everytime she wears red, all the neighborhood people come out singing, “go koolaid, go koolaid”. yo mamma is so fat, that when one day while she was bungee jumping in a yellow suit, someone said, “oh my god, someone do something! the sun is falling!”

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