Hy Jokes - page 68

Memory Loss

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. “You’ve got to help me, Doctor. I’m losing my memory,” he sobbed. “I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family. I was a respected member of the community. But all that’s gone now. Since my memory began failing, I’ve lost the business–I couldn’t remember my client’s names. My wife and children have left me, too. And why shouldn’t they–some…

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When To Be Quiet

In a little Italian village, a man and his wife of 50 years are rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stops, grabs her cane and whacks her husband across his shins as hard as she can. He cries out in pain, his eyes water, tears run down his face and he gasped, “Why did you do that?” The old lady replies, “That’s for 50 years of BAD sex!” He nods his head but says nothing and…

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Soap Opera

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times! ——————- Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are…

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No donkeys allowed.

One day John took a dog along with him in a club.When he entered the club,the club members asked “Why you bought the donkey?” John answered,”This is not a donkey, it is a dog.” The club members replied ,”We r’ not taking with you we r’ taking with the dog.”

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3 HOLES

A man walks in the bar and has had way too much to drink. He decides to go to the bathroom and when he walks in there is another man and there are three holes in the wall. Above the three holes there are three buttons. The other man in the bathroom says don’t ever stick your dick in any of the holes. The man thinks he is lyng so he does it anyway. He sticks his dick in the…

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Historical Argument

A man complains to a friend “I can’t take it anymore.” “What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks. “It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument she gets historical!” “You mean ‘hysterical’,” his friend said, chuckling. “No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go, “I still remember that time when you . . . .”

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actuary

Do you know why a male actuary always uses the urinal closest to the wall? Because there is a 50% less risk of someone pissing on his shoes.

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Babies

A mother and her son were flying “Southwest Airlines” from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,…

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10 Shots

This guy sits down at a bar and says to the Bartender, “Give me 10 shots of Tequila. Just line ’em up right here!” The Bartender looks at him and says, “Man, that’s a lot of Tequila, can I ask why you want so many shots?” The guy replies, “I just had my first blow job!” The Bartender says, “ALRIGHT! Tell you what, The eleventh one’s on me!” The guy says, “Naw, if ten shots of Tequila doesn’t get the…

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