Har Jokes - page 36

Top 15 Vampire Complaints

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, “Look Ma! It’s Elvis!” 10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. 9. After 100 years of trying,…

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Staff Of Life

A priest and a nun were enjoying a ride through the Sahara desert when halfway through the journey their camel suddenly collapsed on the sand, lifeless. “Now, we have no choice but to walk back,” said the priest. About two miles into their walk the nun says, “Father, it’s extremely hot out here in the desert, would you mind if I removed my habit?” To which the preist replies, “Of course not, my child, I’m sure that God would understand…

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Ten Dollahs

Stumpy Grider and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know Mahtha, ah’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.” And every year Martha would say, “Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.” So Stumpy says, “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, if I don’t go this time I may nevah go.” Martha replies, “Stumpy,…

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Mother-in-law

On day a man was walking on the beach when he came upon a brass lamp. “I wonder if this is a magic lamp,” he said to himself and began to rub the lamp furiously. A cloud of smoke rose out and a Genie was standing before him. “Three Wishes are yours,” the Genie said “but whatever you wish for your mother-in-law gets double” The man thought long and hard. The last thing he wanted to do was give his…

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The Monsignor and the Priest

A new priest saying mass for the first time was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor told him that he appeared nervous but that he had some advice for him. He told the new priest that he always puts a glass of vodka next to the water glass. ?If I get nervous I drink from that glass? the Monsignor told the priest. The following Sunday the priest…

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It’s Tough To Be A Guy…

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity. If you mention how…

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What’s the Problem?

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired. “Well, I’m 35 years old, and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.” “My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and…

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Remote Shopping

The clerk asked me, “Cash, check or charge?” after ringing up my purchase. As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote when you go shopping?” she asked. “No,” I replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even with him!”

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Doctor’s Visit

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor pulled the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. He will surely die if you don’t do the following: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.…

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