Gin Jokes - page 19

Similarities between Clinton and Nixon

Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed Nixon: His biggest fear – the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear – a Cold Sore Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burning Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her Nixon: Couldn’t explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn’t explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case Nixon: His nickname Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference Nixon: Ex-President…

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Wading Across Jordan

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised American, “Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River.” As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, “Don’t worry. You will sink only proportionally,…

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Customer Service

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional prank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by “Lucille.” He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.…

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Real Quaker

One day a very tall, well-dressed man entered a small-town, general store in the South. He was so distinctively dressed that it was obvious to the clerk that this man was a Quaker. He was dressed in black and wore that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears. Well, the clerk had never before seen a real live Quaker, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections, the clerk could hardly contain himself.…

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Lil Johnny wants a new Bike

Little Johnny was so rotton that his mother didn’t know what to do with him. It was getting close to his birthday and he was demanding a new bicycle. His mother told him that he had been so bad during the year that he wasn’t going to get ANYTHING. He whined and complained and stamped his feet–demanding the bike. His mother, in desperation and just trying to shut him up, said, “Why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and…

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THE BRA

A couple of old fraternity brothers, Skip and Chip, now in their 40’s, would meet after work every week at their country club for a tennis game while their wives, Babs and Poopsy, played golf. On this particular day, the boys were in the locker room changing out of their business suits into their tennis clothes when Skip removed his shirt. Chip noticed that Skip was wearing a brassiere. “Ahhh, Skip”, said Chip, “if you tell me it’s none of…

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Poor Hillary

Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to discover that she is pregnant. She is furious and can’t believe this has happened, when she is running for the Senate, too!!! She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone and immediately begins to berate him, screaming, “I just found out I’m 5 weeks PREGNANT, and it is all YOUR fault!!! How could you have let this HAPPEN? With…

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Good advice for those that are married/engaged/whipped…

*************************************** IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp Winter’s afternoon, and you’re exactly where you should be: stretched out on the sofa in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your wife enters the room and says, “What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Is this a trick question? Yes, it is. The…

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Tongue Tied Man in a Nut Shop

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he’s ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks, “Ess-tues me ser?” “Yes sir,” replied the clerk. “Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?” “Pistachio’s? They’re six dollars a pound.” “SSit!” The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks, “Welp, how mutsh…

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Signs That You are Too Drunk

Signs That You are Too Drunk You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Career won’t progress beyong Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case- coincidence?…

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