F king Jokes - page 170

Applying For A Job At McDonald’s

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle…

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Read JokeApplying For A Job At McDonald’s

Horoscopes for Southerners

It has become pretty obvious to me that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I’m out driving around I’ll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I’ll even see a ram. Up the street from me there’s some twins, but I don’t see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions, or scorpions,…

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Read JokeHoroscopes for Southerners

It was the Night Before Christmas (60’s style)

?Twas the Night Before Christmas 60’s style ?Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Things were real mellow Even Irving the mouse Our boots were hung up The incense was lit In the hopes that St. Nick Would soon do his bit The tree was decked out It was really a sight With love beads and flowers And a flashing strobe light Wearing my T-shirt From the Woodstock Nation I was getting into Some good meditation And…

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Read JokeIt was the Night Before Christmas (60’s style)

F.B.I.

The FBI is looking for a new assassin so they place an ad in the paper. The next day they get three replies. The three men are told to come in for an interview the next day and they need to bring their wives when they come. The next day the three men show up with wives in tow. The first man is called in and they place his wife in a room and give him a gun and tell…

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Read JokeF.B.I.

ego

What are the three smallest words that can really destroy a man’s ego during love making? “Is it in?” And the three smallest words that can really destroy a woman’s ego during love making? “I don’t know.”

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The Wrestling Match

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in…

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Read JokeThe Wrestling Match

Neighbor’s Chickens

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such, they had the right to go wherever they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and his buddy commented that he’d soon have no flowers left at all. Two weeks later, on a visit, the friend noticed that his flower beds were doing great. So the…

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Read JokeNeighbor’s Chickens

Bumper Stickers

* Horn broken. Watch for finger. * Keep honking…I’m reloading. * Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * All generalizations are false. * Cover me. I’m changing lanes. * I brake for no apparent reason. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * I’m not as think as you drunk I am. * Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of…

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Read JokeBumper Stickers

snail in a bar

There is this snail and he is feeling thirsty so he goes to the bar and orders himself a drink. “Can I please have a water?” the snail asks. “Sorry, we don’t serve snails hear!” the barman replied. “Just one!” the snail pleaded. “Sorry, no can do!” the barman replied. “And if you ask again I will have to take you away.” “Please!” the snail persisted. The barman took his forefinger and curled it into his thumb and flicked the…

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Longstanding Wish

Ahmed was a high-ranking courtier in King Akbar’s court. However, he had one longstanding wish–to suck the queen’s voluptuous breasts to his mind’s desire. Every time he passed the queen, he would get frustrated. He would spend the entire day thinking of ways of achieving this, but knew King Akbar’s sword would meet his neck if he did so. One day he revealed his desire to Birbal, the King’s trusted advisor, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal,…

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Read JokeLongstanding Wish