Ew Jokes - page 48

Mother-in-Law Blues

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced…

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The Little Red Man

One day a little red man came home from work in his little red car and parked on his little red driveway. He got out and walked up his little red path into his little red house. He walked up his little red stairs and into his little red bathroom. He took his little red clothes off and walk into his little red shower. After his shower he put his little red towel around himself, walked out of his little…

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Let There Be Light….

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Two – one to change the light bulb, and one to sue the original light bulb manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the light bulb, compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedence requiring light bulb manufacturers to state clearly that light bulbs may require replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible for lost wages or any other consequential damages…

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Bill Gates Buys a House

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.” Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?” Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.” Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.” Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.” Contractor: “Well, you…

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so damn dumb

yo momma so damn dumb she lit a match to see if she blew out all the candles on her birthday cake. yo momma so damn dumb she tried to change the channel on a T.V. dinner. yo momma so damn dumb she thought the Last Supper was when Jesus ran out of food stamps.

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THE EXCUSE

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, sir,” the new recruit replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on, “because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

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Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green my dog’s name is Blue and I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry jist a-fry’n in the pan Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff” right out of the can. You have some’a yore…

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The Lord & Noah

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “I’m very angry with the way things are going on earth — this is not what I had in mind! I have accordingly decided to destroy it and start over! In 6 months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water just like before, and all the evil is destroyed; if not, I will wring it out like an old sponge. But rather than start from scratch,…

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A Lesson In Art Appreciation

A down-on-his-luck artist visits the art gallery where all of his paintings are on display. He sees the art dealer standing in front of the art gallery and accosts the latter, “So how did my paintings do today?” The art dealer smiles and says, “Well, I got good news and bad news.” “Well, give me the good news first. I haven’t had such luck these days,” sighs the struggling artist. “This morning, a gentleman walks in and asks me if…

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