Eve Jokes - page 23

It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins. Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer. Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse. Common Sense Isn’t. Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. The best way…

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by Dave Berry 1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”. 3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.” 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with…

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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”

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The phone rings at DEA headquarters. “Hello?” “Hello, is this DEA?” “Yes. What can we do for you?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood.” “This will be noted.” Next day, the DEA comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the DEA come?” “Yeah!”…

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The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chief. “Your veal parmigiana was superb,” the customer said. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported.”

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Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Nevertheless, the doorman graciously helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said, pleasantly, “By the way, Sir, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, just remember that you didn’t pull it out here.”

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