Eve Jokes - page 221

The Amazing Dog!

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. “Hmmmm,” he wonders, “How am I gonna get more dough?” Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!” “That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I…

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B for Band Class

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise. “Is it a bee?” another student asked. “Nope,” Tommy replied. “Bee flat.”

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The Lone Ranger

Did you hear that they caught the Lone Ranger? They took off his mask, put him up on a horse, and then put a noose around his neck. Before they hanged him, they asked him if he had any last requests… He said “yes” and that he would like a big cigar to smoke! Well, they gave him one and he began to smoke and puff, and puff and smoke. Just then one of the cowboys from the back of…

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American Idioms

True Story: I went to lunch at an Olive Garden restaurant with a group of co-workers one day. One of the guys who went with us, Ilya, is a Russian immigrant who is still working on his English skills. I had been encouraging him to use more American idiomatic expressions and slang. The waitress at the restaurant seemed very nervous. When she brought out the drinks she spilled them all over the table. Of course everyone broke out laughing. Except…

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DNA

Did you know they’re having a hard time with the DNA on Monica Lewinsky’s dress…. It seems everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA! ——- You know how Bill & Hillary met don’t you?….. They dated the same girl in college! ——- Did you hear Hillary is now getting up at 4 AM every morning?…… She stated the she is going to be the First Lady!

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lets get drunk

Three men were in a bar getting drunk,an Italian,a German and an Irishman Well the bartender told them that if they bought 6 beers they’d get 2 beers free The Italian jumps up and says thats ridiculous back home at Vinnie’s bar you buy 4 beers and he’ll give you 2 free beers! The German stand up and shouts “thats crazy, back home at Wilhelm’s if you buy 2 beers you get 6 beers for free!” Well the Irishman jumps…

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Contractions

There was this happily married couple that decided to have a baby. After nine hard long months the mother finally started having contractions and it was time to go to the hospital. The mother was really scared of all the pain she was going to go through so she told the doctors that she wanted all the drugs she could get. The head doctor said, “We have designed a new device that transfers the pain from the mother of the…

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Points System for Men

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the Points System. —————————————— SIMPLE DUTIES: Making The Bed: You make the bed …………………………………………+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……..0 You throw the…

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Sly ‘Ol Geezer

After hours of polishing his new, chromed-out Harley, a young stud rides it down the main street of town, sure that every eye is on him and his beautiful new bike. At the stoplight, an ol’ geezer pulls up on the ugliest, rustiest, oil-dripping piece of junk motorcycle the young stud has ever seen. The ol’ geezer grins a toothless grin and asks, “So, how do ya like her?” The young stud beams with pride and says, “Great! I just…

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Slept Like a Baby

While the U.S. stock market was at an all-time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby. He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?” He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”

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